My blog posts are sparse at the moment, not due to a lack of material, but due to way too much. It's a huge struggle to try and deal with all the thoughts that occur to me about Kay's death and what our lives (will) hold as a result. Trying to form them into subjects that I can write about is almost impossible.
I'll try and answer the question "How are you?" here, but I warn those of an emotional disposition not to read any further.
Last night I got into bed after saying nite nite to the girls, to KayKay. As I have done every night, I looked at the big beautiful floodlit photo of her on the speaker in the corner of the lounge. As I have done very night, I stroked her cheek and looked deep into her beautiful eyes. As I have done every night, I realised yet again that she's gone. And as it has done every night, my heart broke, again.
This week is worse than last week. Fresh awful thoughts continue to pile up and life just seems to get heavier and heavier. We're functioning at a certain level, but our hearts are not in it. We go through the motions of living. We laugh with Nattie and chat with friends. And yet we both feel so depressed and sad and in pain the whole time. It's difficult to believe that it can get worse, but it does. It feels like we continue to walk further into a long dark tunnel, further from the light.
I haven't heard Kay so clearly as in the few days after her passing, probably because my mind is more disturbed than it was then. But I still have a strong sense of her presence and I feel a "message" from her that she will now look after Marion & I and that we should leave it to her and we should rest. She says that everything will be alright. That's difficult to believe, but at the same time the strength of the warmth of the love that I feel from her is almost enough to let me trust in her and let go. But my feelings of grief are yet too strong for me to let go of them.
Funny enough, I'd always thought that Kay would be the one who looked after me when I got old. It seems that she's taken on the role already. But then, that's typically Kay - always concerned about others and ready to care for them.
This is how I am / how we are (dare I say "we"?).
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Robert and Marion you are both in a time tunnel which will eventually lead to a new life without Kay. Hopefully you will be able to enjoy the future with Nattie and the strong family ties that exist.
ReplyDeleteGreat love is always returned and that is why Kay is looking after you both now.
Love mum and Dad.
Oh Rob,
ReplyDeleteYou write with such heartbreaking eloquence. I wish so much that the old saying 'a trouble shared is a trouble halved' could be true - it would mean we (your blogging community, family and friends) could take some of the burden of grief on your behalf.
I'm so pleased that Kay is looking out for you - she's in a place where there are no ages - so she is in a position to help you to let go and lean on her – bizarre as that may seem for us on earth. Feel her presence and let her hug you – all of you.
Much love to Marion, Lauren and Nattie too.
Linda xx
Het is moelijk voor te stellen hoe jullie je voelen, maar als ik je verhaal lees, begrijp ik het absoluut. Laat het ook gewoon toe.
ReplyDeleteMochten jullie een dag geen knuffels krijgen, dan kom ik ze wel brengen.
Liefs,
Natascha
I have been where you are and I understand and feel all that you say. I feel that I need to say to you, do not be afraid. Do not try to look too far into the future at this time. Continue to write whatever you feel.
ReplyDeleteDebbie Hearne
Beste Rob, Wat Linda schrijft is zo waar. Konden we maar iets van jullie verdriet op ons nemen.....Laat Kay je de weg wijzen, ze zit in je hart. Luister naar je hart en geef je zelf tijd voor je enorme verdriet. Dikke knuffel voor jou en Marion
ReplyDeletelfs Bettine
as I read this post, I'm struck by something. Not knowing you personally, Rob, I may be wrong, but it seems as though you are a different man than the man whose posts I first started reading many months ago. dare I say it? More spiritual, as though that strong link you have to Kay has erased a boundary between this world and the next in you. Thank you for sharing this process so openly with us. I know it must help you, but it also helps me and I'm sure others to hear how Kay is still with you and in many cases, guiding you. Take care and keep hugging!
ReplyDeleteDiane, I see myself as a scientist by education, a CEO by career and a pilot by profession (to borrow from John Travolta). Thus I see myself as fundamentally someone who's mission in life is to deal with reality however difficult that may be, and not to embellish reality with manufactured information. That said in these last weeks I have experienced feelings that seem like communication with Kay. I can view these feelings two ways. Either they have been manufactured by my subconscious to dampen my pain or they are from Kay.
ReplyDeleteNow its not possible to prove one or the other but strangely enough the latter seems to me to be the simpler explanation. It's also the more satisfying explanation. So for the first time in my life I have a situation where I choose to believe in something not of the physical world.
Also, as a computer scientist I've always had the gut feeling that there's more to life than can be implemented in software and thus have always tended to side with Roger Penrose on the subject of the achievability of artificial life. In other words vie always had the gut feel that living things have souls. And now it seems to me that my feelings about Kay have coincided with this gut feel, although this remains solidly in the sphere of belief. But as our child physiologist said to us recently, "Feelings are Facts too".
So, yes, you're right. I believe, I feel, that Kay's talking to me, that she has not gone from our lives entirely. And I think that this thinking is ultimately the way out of the darkness that we're in. But equally I'm not yet entirely comfortable with this new level of belief because it runs against my scientist, CEO, pilot nature. It will all take a while to settle.
Love,
Rob.
thank you for that heartfelt and thoughtful response. I love your openness to all you're experiencing.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend Debbie Hearne called me yesterday and told me about you becoming friends. Her friend Diane Chamberlain and Debbie got to meet because I wanted Debbie to be happy and I knew she loved Diane and her books and they had became friends on Facebook. I got Debbie to finally go to a booksigning of Diane and they hit it off. I was so happy because I wanted to see her smile, my heart would just break over her grief, but through these last two years she is so full of wisdom after what all she has been through. I have been there since the day her son died. Her son is in heaven as well as your beautiful girl.I will pray and pray for you as I have done Debbie and will continue to every day. She has blessed so many people with her love and words and pain. I pray God will wrap his arms around you and your wife and children. I still pray that prayer for Debbie Hearne. Go to the doctor, too, and get something to help you sleep and get you through the next months. MY love and prayers are wrapped around you and your family!! Terri Way Hefner
ReplyDelete