Back Home

We're back home after a long and tiring drive, yesterday. Thanks goes to Frank for taking the hard way home and splitting the driving with me, I don't think I could have done it in one go on my own.

Back home, it is dark and raining and miserable, a full wet autumn seems to be in progress. Difficult to remember that on Friday we were sitting outside sweating from the direct heat of the sun.

My first impression of being home is that the weight of depression is heavier here. Lying in bed his morning it felt like I was being pressed deeper into the mattress by it. The odd thing is that it almost seems like the extra weight is coming from outside me. I don't feel that I'm any more depressed than in France, but it seems that either the depression that I have weighs more here or that there's an additional external source. Whatever, it's more difficult to 'be' here than in France, though France was difficult enough at times.

And then there's Kay's bedroom. The last time I was here I experienced meltdown #1 by entering her bedroom and lying on her bed. Her door's been shut since we got home and now I almost fear what is behind that door. Everytime I walk past it I get a pulse of pain and fear. I've had more panic attacks since we got home than in the preceding days. So all in all, in the 15 hours that ive been home everything has felt much more difficult. But I still feel the sun in my bones and the pleasure of good company which, as long as it lasts, lightens the sense of depression and the impact of the panic attacks.

Tomorrow I suppose that we have to start the process of re-entering everyday life. Nattie has to go back to school, my work needs attention and I have important meetings to attend. Marion has a backlog of administration. I don't know how hard or easy this will be, I don't feel that I've made much progress towards to goal of being at peace with Kay's death. When I look at all the beautiful photos of her and the girls that I hung up France she seems just as real to me as Lauren or Nattie. It still seems that she will walk in the door laughing at some joke or something that has just happened. It cannot be possible that she is not HERE in the same way as Lauren or Nat.

Sunday mornings Marion and I like to get an occasional lie-in. Kay would always come into our bed early and cuddle up with us (something Nattie never does). But after a while of wriggling and chatting we'd throw her out so that we could enjoy some peace. She would stomp out of our bedroom, head back, shoulders back, long hair trailing down her back, under huge protest and complaining that we just wanted her out so we could "do some sexing".

Oh how I miss her. My pictures cry out to me that she should be just here. Not gone forever.