Flashback

Being in public for long periods is a challenge. I've mentioned this before but I seem to have forgotten the lesson. Yesterday when I was sitting in the aircraft at Schiphol, waiting to return here, I had a sudden and horrible flashback. I was back in Kay's intensive care room at the moment that she died.

I had a vivid and new recollection of how medical support was withdrawn from her and how this led to her death.

I remembered one doctor increasing the dose of coma medication to ensure that Kay was adequately sedated for what was to come.

I remembered how immediately after this life support from the ventilation equipment was decreased by the lead doctor, leading to Kay passing away.

I remembered being apecifically aware of the first step, I watched the doctor do it.

I remembered how I'd chosen to have my back to the life support monitors so that I could not see how her life signs faded away.

I remembered that the doctors had shut off all the alarms from the monitors so that we would not be frightened by them.

I remembered silence from the equipment at some point and looking up to meet the lead doctor's eyes and asking her if Kay had passed and the doctor affirming that she had.

I remembered thanking her and asking her to thank the rest of the ic staff.

I remembered then holding on to Lauren and dissolving.

I remembered all this while sitting in seat 4A of an largely full aircraft, surrounded by strangers. And I struggled hugely to control myself, not to suddenly burst into tears in front of all these people. It was very difficult but I must say that I used my iPad to deflect and distract me from these terrible thoughts. Playing Angry Birds for a little while, watching a couple of episodes of House, though this now brings with it it's own set of Kay related problems.

It had never occurred to me before that I could be sitting next to someone on a plane who was fighting off tears because they had just lost someone dear to them. If you think about it and then look around at the strangers that surround you on the train or plane, you cannot but see them in a whole new light. Could this business man here, with his laptop, iPad, iPhone and headset be on the point of dissolving into a puddle of salty water? Could his heart weigh as much as a Neutron Star? Could he not care less if the plane should crash and he die on impact?

There's obviously much more diversity immediately around us than I'd even started to consider.