Staying up late

It's difficult to write at the moment, my mind is a storm of emotions that I'm trying to control by avoiding. Otherwise I'll spend too much of my time here in sorrow and not enjoying or at least appreciating the good things around me.

Natasha has been going to bed pretty late since we've been here, 10pm or so. Normally I'd be pushing for her to be in bed at a more normal time but I find myself looking for reasons to keep her up a little longer: "if you sit on my knee quietly for a bit you can stay up a little longer". Hmmmm... To whose benefit is this now?

I realise that every minute we have with our children is precious and thus synchronising our sleeping patterns is a good way to maximise that enjoyment, those golden seconds. They are gone way too quickly, prematurely in Kay's case. And we can never know if or when that will happen.

Kay burns in our minds. I completed putting up new photos of the girls, of Kay today. This has been a real labour of love and enormous pain. But necessary. Kay is now all around us here. Confrontational, but also beautiful. It makes her presence more present, if you follow my meaning.

Marion is lying in bed next to me and is struggling with tears. I need to give her some support, but it's so difficult to face her pain whne I'm overflowing with my own. Nevertheless...