Tuesday 26 October 2010
Growing Collection
Yesterday can be added to my growing collection of very bad days. In fact it was one of the worst so far. I hope there are fewer of these days in front of me than behind. Like Kay, I feel that every attack leaves me weaker and less able to respond to the next one. Later in the evening I infected Marion, so there were two of us in a bad way. Fortunately Nattie stuck her head round the door and asked if she could bring us something, "Room Service!" she announced with a smile. Such sweetness was enough incentive for us to pull ourselves together. Bless her.
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Dear Rob and Marion, you musn't expect from yourself to mourn no more. Take all the time you both need. It took 9 months for Kay to arrive in your life and you spent 10 years together as one family. Be selfize, take all the time you need and if you're feeling bad let it be. Don't appologize yourself for those feelings you have. It wouldn't be normal if you not have them. The last year you gave everything and more you had in you. In the good days try to look in the future, you will see Kay there, I'm sure she is waiting for you both somewhere, and in the mean time she's reaching out for you in your daily life by talking to you. When there's a bad day comfort yourself in the presence of Marion and Nattie, and when you do that you will find a way out of all this misery together.
ReplyDeleteSandra
Well done Nattie! :o)
ReplyDeleteDo you know? There's something almost voyeuristic being outside of such an intimate scene! Sort of hovering guiltily around such pain and beauty.
ReplyDeleteIt's painful to know how much you suffer, but it’s beautiful to know that you and Marion are supporting each other so brilliantly well - and it's lovely to hear that Nattie is caring about you and for you, as she deals with everything her own way.
Thank you for sharing Rob - I hope that knowing we do share some of the pain is helpful, and I wish those of us who are 'hovering guiltily’ could do something to ease it.
But as usual, all I can think to say is - thinking of you all, all the time.
Love and hugs to everyone.
Linda and Em xx
The shock is wearing down and the reality is setting in that Kay has passed. I believe that may be how you feeling.
ReplyDeleteWhat a blessing that Natasha can offer you "breaks" from your darkest moments.
Debbie
Hey Rob,
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time, but I wanted to send you an electronic hug, you and all your family. Sometimes that is all one can do.
As a virtual stranger it seems presumptous to offer any advice, and I do so hope you don't mind. I lost my other half two years ago this week, and try not to think that my children may develop the same problem, although they may.
The road you travel is dark, but it is a journey, not a cul-de-sac, and while it may feel circular, in fact it is a spiral and perhaps each time the feelings overwhelm you, you emerge a little stronger even though you don't know it. Hold on to Marian and Natty and Lauren - physically as well as metaphorically. A little of your Kay is in them as much as she is in the ether.
Like you I wrote, and it helped. But there is a time when it may be better to leave the words alone for a while. For me, getting back to work saved me just enough to get through another day, and another. I think your brother said it might be time to come home - perhaps he was right?
There is so much I'd like to say in the hope it might give you hope, but can't. However, one thing I will. After just a couple of times when P seemed to be really close to me, I felt I lost him for good. Then, recently, when I was least expecting it, I heard him again. And I've agonised over the reality of those perceptions, but come to some of the same conclusions as you. I trust the essence of your Kay is out there, loving and watching you all, and being a little girl, she will also be at times off doing the ethereal version of playing and laughing and skipping.
I don't know how to finish. Sorry.
Hai Rob,
ReplyDeleteElke keer lees ik je blog, en ik denk dat je niet zo streng voor jezelf moet zijn. Jullie hebben een hele heftige tijd doorgemaakt (2 keer zelfs), hard gevochten, alles gegeven. Je/jullie kunnen niet van jezelf verwachten dat het verdriet na een aantal dagen/weken/maanden over is. Spring in je verdriet, en geniet voor 200% van de mooie dingen!
Liefs en een knuffel voor Marion,
Natascha
Rob, I've just been in tears from the replies to your earlier blog, made by Debbie, Diane and Linda. I'm ashamed to say that I'm finding it so hard to read your pain, and be so far away, and feeling so unable to help. But, my goodness, Kays army is still with you for sure.
ReplyDeleteI have absolutely no doubt that Kay is strongly present. Even Dom and I feel it here in Australia. Don't try and break it down. There are somethings we just don't have the formula's for. Musical boxes play, ministers tune into the right 'radio frequency', skys change colour dramatically, I had a flush of adrenaline through my body so strong Whilst kneeling in a Buddhist temple praying for hope.
I don't have answers, but I have faith. Not denominational faith, just faith. Take a look around at the love Kay created, at the rise to her call. Rob, Kay is so here, just so incredibly present.
I hug you everyday, but I can't touch you.
All my love,
Ali xxx