Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Ikea

We have been busy "functioning" all day. Cleaning the house, buying some stuff, changing light bulbs and other things necessary when we haven't been here for a while. But both of us are in shit state, excuse the French. Marion wished she was dead this evening, she finds the pain so hard to bare. And I know what she means. I feel a fire of pain, grief and panic in my stomach and chest. I feel sick almost the whole time. Kay is everywhere and nowhere.

This afternoon we went to Ikea to get some bits and pieces. While walking through the bedding department Nattie pointed to a big wall display and said, "Look, there's Kay's duvet cover and pillowcase". It was, the same one that I'd soaked in tears & snot on Saturday morning. The one that Kay loved. The one that I spent a good hour or more lying on. Oh dear. I didn't know what to do, caught myself staring at it. Nattie said something to me, but I replied that it was too painful for me to look at and walked on.

Last Saturday week, Marion said that she didn't want to come away because she didn't want to leave Kay behind and I didn't really understand what she meant. But as last week went on I started to get an increasing 'vacuum' feeling in my stomach. Didn't know why. But on Saturday as I was packing my stuff I had the overwhelming urge to go and lie on Kay's bed. I've avoided going in her bedroom except incidentally, but after I was done packing I felt very tired and went and lay on her bed. And then it struck me, what Marion meant about leaving her behind. And I lost it completely. I cried harder and deeper than ever in my life before. I was completely lost to grief, for the first time ever. And now I don't feel stronger as a result, the contrary in fact. I feel the pain and grief more acutely than before. And I understand even less why she had to go. And I feel even more strongly that this is not the right ending for her life. The strong and the brave and the fit and the courageous should win their battles and Kay is all of these things and more.

I so regret not having being able to talk to her about death, not being able to say goodbye to her. That her last minutes alive were minutes of terror and fighting. That we never had a peaceful moment when we could exchange final promises of eternal love. That we were rushed into an inadequate parting forever. That my last memory of her alive was the anger and fear on her face as she was put into a coma. I'm never going to be able to rid myself of those memories.

Maybe we're trying to take the grief process to quickly, would be typical for Marion & I. But then, it can't go fast enough, the pain and suffering it's causing. We're both at the end of our tethers. I think for the first time that Marion realised just how badly I'm suffering, on Saturday. She said later that my pain broke her heart.

So this is how we are. Terrible, fragile, desperate, bereaved, grief stricken, shocked, empty, full, clinging to the wreckage of our lives.

9 comments:

  1. Lieve lieve Rob en Marion,

    Rob je schrijft over eigenschappen als strong , brave, fit en courageous. Eigenschappen die Kay van jullie samen heeft meegekregen. Dat wil zeggen dat die eigenschappen ook nog in jullie zitten en daarmee komen jullie hier doorheen en Kay zal jullie daarbij helpen en wij met z,n allen ook, waar en wanneer we maar kunnen.
    Hang in there lieve mensen.
    Liefs van ons. X J

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  2. Lieve Rob en Marion,
    Geen woorden om de pijn minder te maken. Ook niet iets wat jullie verdriet kan wegnemen. Ik denk dat je er doorheen moet, dus denken dat het er niet is, is geen optie. Gun jullie zelf hier ook de tijd voor en wil niet te snel.

    Big hug,
    Natascha

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  3. No one can imagine and no one can share the pain.
    Thank God that you and Marion do each understand what the other is going through and you are supporting each other - a few words from England just end up sounding trite and clichéd.
    Even so, I still want you both to know there are many people here who are hurting for you, crying with you and supporting you every hour.
    Kay has talked to you Rob, she is happy and pain-free, and she may talk again when some of the sharpness of your grief subsides - there's no way of knowing.
    Meanwhile, hang onto each other and to Nattie through your grief.
    I hope and pray that your time in France will help you all to come to terms with what has happened and grow together in love.
    So many hugs all round and I wish there were some helpful words.
    Linda xx

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  4. I cried and cried over Kay, now I cry over the pain expressed in your blog. Please please Rob try to work your way through this intense grief. Love Dad.

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  5. Kay will always be remembered for being strong,brave,fit and courageous. Now it is your turn.Go and lie in the sunshine,try to empty your thoughts and Kay will come to you---not as those horrid memories but as the happy person we all knew.She will want your pain to gently ease away. Hold her,knowing that she loves you forever. Love Mum.

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  6. Rob,

    You have a gift in being able to express your feelings....please keep writing. You are helping yourself and so many others.

    One day at a time.

    Love and hugs,
    Debbie

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  7. It is hard to imagine the pain you are going through, too much pain for you to bear but somehow we need to find a way to help you through the days. There is still so much in this world to give you hope but you are finding it hard to see through all the tears.
    I pray you both find some peace soon
    Sharon x

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  8. Dear Rob,

    Try to find peace, just like your mum said. Eventually Kay will come and together you can look back at all the wonderful memories and moments that you had together. And still have. This will give you the strength that you need to move on, but take it step by step.

    Leon&Angelines

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  9. Dear Rob and Marion,
    I don't believe that anyone can get over losing a child. So I won't say try and get on with your lives, since this life without Kay is unbearable... I would rather say try and transform your grief into building blocks for a new life, a new start, with new rules. This terrible experience is about transformation and the passage to another chapter - one without Kay - starting with a white page. It all remains to be written and lived with Nattie and Lauren, two FANTASTIC girls who are so lucky to have AMAZING parents like you two. Kay is now part of your 'previous' life - not that I'm suggesting you should turn your back on her - and you must take the time to grieve... but Kay has started another chapter - one where she is given the chance to write a new story book - and so have you.

    Lots of love & hugs,
    Isabelle

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