Not strictly on subject moaning

I don't intend this blog to become a moan about life in general. But this once I'm going to say something that is off subject because it's having an effect on me producing on subject material, if you'll excuse the level of indirection.

On Christmas Eve I "did my back in" lifting a basket of wood for the fire that turned out to be much heavier than I'd expected. I was in quite a lot of pain for a couple of days, such that on Monday a friend of ours who is a physio came and had a look at me. She diagnosed a partial slipped disk in my lower back and advised an exercise regime, to which I'm sticking faithfully, believe me. She reckons that this injury has come about because I'm stressed, tired and run down. I guess that I've simply pushed myself too hard during the last weeks and this is the price.

A further problem was that we were supposed to drive to France on Monday. But in the event I couldn't help Marion with getting stuff ready and packing the car, and I was pretty worried about my back during the drive. So we postponed leaving for a day. Our friend the physio arranged for me to get a back brace and I adjusted the lumber support on the driver's seat to maximum curvature, keeping the seat upright. I have to say that our Volvo is pretty comfortable normally and with these additions I drove all the way here in one day, stopping to stretch my back every two hours or so, without major discomfort. However, once here the pain returned. I guess a day sitting vertically in a seat wearing a back brace was pretty therapeutic. Hanging around the house, trying to find a comfortable chair/position to sit in is less so. I've now taken to sitting in a garden chair in the lounge, since it's the only thing high enough and vertical enough not to load my lower back.

The biggest problem is that I now feel like both a physical and mental invalid. My physical state means that I can't do anything, leaving too much time for my mind to roam. I also feel like a complete party pooper because I'm standing (lying actually) in the way of the others doing anything, as a complete group at least.

I'm fed up to the back teeth of being some kind of pathetic weakling, a pitiable subject. Life seems to be unravelling all around me and there doesn't seem to much I can do about it except to focus on wound-licking. Kay's death, skin cancer, slipped disk and more. For goodness sake, how much shit can one guy take? When will I have to stop proving how tough and indestructible I am? It would be so nice to live a normal life for a goodly while.

People who have normal lives, specifically whose children are all alive and healthy, have no idea just how blessed they are.