A different phase?

Yesterday was a pretty black day for me. I found that whenever I was alone, tears came. I sat in the car driving from here to there, in tears. So I avoided being alone all day. 

I found that if I talked about Kay, tears came. So I avoided talking to anyone about anything to do with Kay. I spent the day trying to avoid being alone but trying to avoid any conversations about Kay. At the end of the day I was exhausted and finally, when I went to bed, grief took over.

Lying in bed, thoughts of Kay ran through my head. Suddenly something fresh occurred to me that shocked me, the feeling that I've described before, like sticking a finger in the mains socket. Then I realized that I've not had that 'shock' feeling for a few weeks. It's not so long ago that I was shocked 10 times a day by thoughts of Kay. It occurred to me then that perhaps Marion and I have moved into a new phase. Perhaps we have finally passed through the "shock phase" and now we're in the "deep grief phase", if there are such things as phases of grief.

It would certainly be an explanation of what is going on with us at the moment. For the last 10 days or so Marion has been more deeply upset than I've seen her so far. Or maybe I should say more continually deeply upset. Previously both of us have had moments of deep grief that lasted an hour or so. But it now seems that these periods last much longer. In the last few days I have begun to feel the same. The weight of grief that I'm carrying seems more constant and I feel much more tired than previously. Tears, surface or sub-surface, are a constant companion. Reading is difficult, as is concentrating.

So, I suppose the good news is that we're progressing, we're not stuck at some point that will lead us to remain sad people indefinitely. But on the other hand things are not better, just different. And also I feel a kind of regret that we're "leaving Kay behind", if you follow my meaning. We are moving on and we're leaving our lives as they were with Kay behind. Things are irrevocably changing, shifting, separating us from Kay, emphasizing that the only thing we have left is memories.

Esther told me today that a study of parents who had suffered the death of a child took between 4 - 9 years to recover their equilibrium. I like to know these things because it gives me a measure, even if the bad news is that we're facing many more years of 'inequilibrium'. The good news for you, dear reader, is that you get to enjoy my moaning and musings for a lot longer yet.