I've woken up this morning with Kay on my mind, thinking about her treatment and what went wrong. Thinking about her slowly weakening in those weeks after the bone marrow transplant. Thinking about her last moments of consciousness. And the eternal "why?" question.
It's a grey miserable day today, even for the South of France. A day that is mourning the loss of Kay. A day that has the same colour and tone as my soul. This is the last day of last year that I will ever share with Kay. From tomorrow onwards she becomes solid history, last year's girl.
I don't know how I'm going to get through today. I'm not yet out of bed and it feels way too hard to face. My back hurts and I feel like the oldest man alive, bent, stiff, in pain, broken. Knowing that there are bits of me that are permanently damaged, that will never work again.
So this is it, my life as it has become. Tomorrow I move on to being the father of a beautiful little girl, the apple of my eye, a third of my heart, who died last year. And the distance from Kay will take a quantum leap. My soul screams and kicks, doesn't want this life, rejects it as being alien, refuses to accept that my KayKay is about to become permanent history, that it is the only way things can continue. That this is Force Majeure.
I don't want to leave this year, the worst of my life. I don't want Kay to be last year's girl. I don't want...
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Oh Rob, wat doet dit pijn om te lezen. Het jaar is bijna voorbij. Normaal wensen mensen elkaar een gelukkig nieuwjaar. Ik wens jou voor het nieuwe jaar innerlijke rust en innerlijke vrede. Ik hoop dat je op de een of andere manier nieuwe persoonlijke drijfveren kunt vinden. Heel veel liefs en sterkte. Wil je Marion een knuffel van me geven?
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Hi Rob. A lot to ponder in your last two blogs. Will do just that and write you properly soon. Have saved your present to play tomorrow. Hope I don't crash it in the first twenty seconds! Thankyou to the Howes for that fabulous gift. I hope our box of presents arrived in the end. Love from Ali n me.
ReplyDeleteHow about a game of Scrabble, Rob ?
ReplyDeleteIt is hard not to feel your anguish and despair, more than ever I wish the miles were shorter, a hug more than words is what is needed here. I hope at midnight with Nattie and Laurens hands in yours that they will show you a way to cross from one year to another. It will be the glow from the warmth of their hearts that will show you the way to the future and that will give you the peace to love and laugh once more.
ReplyDeleteJust remember that Kay lives in your heart Rob, no one can take that from you.
Sharon xx
Rob,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have to endure this. It is easier to stay in the past, in the pain, in the grief than to move forward. It feels like one step forward, two steps back somedays.
If fleeting moments of joy should come, reach out & grab on with both hands. Hard to believe, but those moments will come.
Thank you for making our New Year eve so special .I so enjoyed playing Scrabble over the miles with you all,even though I was thoroughly beaten ! Marions contribution of four words in one move was incredible and your seven letter word had me the loser half way through. We both went to bed at 1.00a.m. , two happier bunnies. Coming home to a burst pipe and a subsequent small flood didn't help ,but all's well now and we are so lifted to hear you all so cheerful, even for a brief hour or so. With all our love and continual hugs throughout 2011 and forever. Mum and Dad
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