I feel terrible this morning. I'm hoping that writing an entry will take the edge off it because otherwise I feel like I'm not going to get through the day. For the last 24hrs I've been feeling sick to my stomach. The pressure of grief in my chest is enormous and my heart is hammering on the inside of my rib cage. The effort that it takes just to walk around whilst feeling like this is huge. The mental cost even higher. I really have no idea how it is possible to live one's life for an extended period while feeling so awful.
I had a dream last night that I had to bury Kay myself in hole, without a coffin. In contrast, when I'm awake I have an underground feeling that now it's enough, she's been away from home long enough, time to return back to us. The emptiness that she's left behind is too great to cope with. I'm lying in bed here with tears pouring down my face, my breathing coming in lumps. Marion's just given me a kiss & hug but she's got to get Nattie to school. Later this week we have to pick up Kay's ashes, a moment that I'm dreading. On top of all this i have the strongest feeling that something else is going to go wrong, something big, something waiting just round the corner to deal us another mortal blow.
But I've got to pull myself together, there are people depending on me and lying in bed solves nothing.
But I miss Kay so much. I just want to hold her, stroke her hair, hear her laugh and fight her way out of my grip. I want to go back and go things differently. Spend more time with her, read to her more often, cuddle her more tightly, breath in her scent more deeply, feel her warmth more completely. I would do anything for this to be different. I can't bear the thought of having to live the rest of my life with these feelings of emptiness, pain, remorse, longing, injustice.
Today is the first day of the rest of our lives. A day that represents our first move towards reentering everyday life. It's a grey miserable day, no colour, no sun, no warmth, no view, no perspective. A day that accurately reflects aspects of how I feel. I lie here aching with longing, screaming with injustice, weeping with pain and I know that life continues to offer us pleasures, Lauren, Nattie and many other things. But I don't feel strong enough to move from here, to face the months and months of pain ahead, to confront all the aspects of Kay's death in the tiniest details, to absorb all the panic attacks that have yet to come. What life offers us doesn't seem to compensate for what it took away.
Oh, how does one do this? How does one continue to live such a massively compromised, painful existence?
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Oh Rob, I'm so feeling for you.
ReplyDeleteThe rest of your life is starting today and you don't have the answers. You don't need to have them today or in the near future.
You will get by, with the help of Marion, Lauren and Natascha and so many others. The most part, you are on your own and us, speaking to you from a distance, can only comfort you in words. Hang in there.Give my love to Marion and tell her that I hope to see here at Stephanie's real soon.
Marie-Cecile.
Oh Rob,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you feel so awful. Your pain screams out from every line - and for me, the feeling of being utterly useless as a friend who so wants to help becomes ever more exaggerated.
What can I say, except 'hang in there', 'keep writing' I do hope the writing helps a little and I hope - by now - you have managed to climb out of bed.
You and Marion are incredible together as a team - as one feels the need to lean, the other feels a little stronger and can allow the leaning. You are both amazing!
Thinking of you constantly.
Mega hugs and much love
Linda x
I understand completely how you are feeling. It is such a lonely feeling even though you have so many people who love you and are reaching out to help you. Hold on, as painful as it is, just hold on. I am sending as much energy to you as I can muster up....you will get thru this. I know, I KNOW that sometimes you don't want to get thru this because you think that it means leaving Kay behind. Kay will never be left behind, she has moved FORWARD in a sense that we cannot understand....but she is still Kay and she loves you always.
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
Debbie
Dear Rob and Marion- both of us have have been reading your blogs since we came back from the celebration of Kay's life.We have struggled with wanting to add to the blog and found it difficult to say something that nobody else had said.
ReplyDeleteWhile we were away we gave this a lot of thought and got to thinking about the Theory of Light. This might sound a bit obtuse but we thought it might help.
You described Kay as your light, like a star.This gave me the idea that she was so bright as a person that the light from her shone on every person that came into contact with her.Those people who were nearer to her the light was brightest and those further away still got this light.The wave theory states that light spreads out from the centre like ripples in a pond but fades the further way it goes,this does not apply to Kay.
One other theory by Newton,the corpuscular theory is how we should remember Kay,the light comes in 'packets of energy' which travel onwards from the source,hence we can see light from distant stars that have long since died.
The light that came from Kay will always light out lives ,it will continue forever as long we remember her and what she brought too us all.
Lots of love Aunty Jacky and Uncle John
I wish there were the words to bring you comfort or less miles between us that could mean we could at least offer a hug in person. You and Marion are never far from my mind whilst you walk the path that no parent should. You will find that strength but give yourself time.
ReplyDeleteSharon x
Aunty Jackie and Uncle John, that post is lovely. I will be thinking about it all day now as I'm about to leave for work. Love Ali xxx
ReplyDeleteRob,
ReplyDeleteI hope that things can start getting better for you. It seems to me that there are 2 things that matter: your business and the people around you. The first is an incredibly motivating, great project that (believe it or not) you are very lucky to have. I am sure that Verum is going to make a big impact on the business world, and I am personally looking forward to seeing this great adventure unfold.
Secondly - the people around you. My sincere hope is that in all this desperateness you have seen the contribution of people around you. Leaving aside family for a moment (I'm in that group, so chose not to point out the importance of what we are worth) I want to emphasise the role of the friends who love you (possibly to an extent that has surprised you). And what a great team at Verum, who have shown you that they are capable of rising to the challenge.
Life's out there, and we are missing your contribution to pushing the world along. Please get stuck back into it.
James
Hai Rob,
ReplyDeleteWat is dit moeilijk om te lezen. De sores waar ik mee zit is totaal niet te vergelijken met jouw verlies en jouw immense verdriet.
En toch moet je door! Nattie,Lauren en Marion hebben jou nodig, zij houden intens van jou. De pijn van het verlies van Kay zal altijd blijven. Misschien kun je uiteindelijk balans vinden in je pijn en rouw om Kay en je geluk met Nattie, Lauren en Marion.
Neem jezelf niets kwalijk Rob, ben niet boos, en ben vooral mild naar jezelf. Gun jezelf tijd om te rouwen. Het is een heel proces waar je doorheen gaat. Neem je tijd en doorleef alles.
Denk niet dat anderen van je verwachten dat je er snel bovenop bent, want dat kan niet.
Het gaat nu om jouw welzijn en niet om presteren.
Kuffel
Bettine
ps: denk je aan het fietsen?
James is right. I'm so hoping you can channel that grief into being the brilliant man you are, especially at work. It's a great exciting adventure. I know the team are being fantastic, it's time to sieze this moment.
ReplyDeleteKay will never be far away.
Love Ali xxx