Here's an example of how variable my thoughts and feelings can be: I was just driving home from work feeling pretty good because of an excellent development in the business. I started wondering how much Kay had influenced things for me, how much she was looking after us and she was immediately in my head again.
And then suddenly I was reminded of all the promises that I had made to her that everything would be alright. How often I told her to look into my eyes and trust me that everything would be alright. How often she would tell us that she felt that her body was giving up and how many times that we convinced her that it wasn't, that she was doing well. How, when her blood counts suddenly soared at the end of August and the bone marrow boost was cancelled, I told her that it was proof of the fact that her body wasn't giving up, that everything would be alright, that her daddy had been right all along.
How wrong can one be? How many promises did I make that I couldn't realise? That weren't mine to make? How much trust did I betray? How many lies did I tell?
Oh, my Kay. I hope you understand. I hope I didn't betray you, lie to you, although I broke my promises. I would do anything to make it otherwise.
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Rob, EVERYBODY believed Kay Would get better. You did, we all did.Do you think if you had adopted the opposite view, that Kay would have been able to sustain those wonderful happy moments that we all love to recall. Try to forget the bad times and know that she had the best and most loving,devoted Mama and Daddy. With lots of love,Mum.
ReplyDeleteDear Rob,
ReplyDeleteYou did what any parent would do, you encouraged your child. You loved Kay, you took care of her and you were there for her. She knew all this, still knows.
Your friend,
Debbie
Hi Rob,
ReplyDeleteIk hoop dat je het niet verkeerd opvat, maar ik denk dat je nu te hard bent voor jezelf. In augustus leek alles goed te gaan, en dat wil je dan natuurlijk met je dochter delen. Daar was (en is) niets mis mee: dat doen alle vaders en moeders. Achteraf gezien kan ik mij dan deze vragen heel goed voorstellen, maar je mag jezelf dit NOOIT verwijten (en ik realiseer mij heel goed dat dit nu gemakkelijker gezegd dan gedaan is). Op dat moment deed/vertelde je wat jou op dat moment goed leek. Je had het niet anders of beter kunnen doen. Dat weet Kay ook.
Take care, Leon
Rob. You only did what was necessary to keep Kay and everyone else going. That is why you're so tired and distressed now. To say "its only just over the next hill... and the next...and the next..." can keep us moving until we do get there. Kay was the finest, most honourable soldier I've ever met. She kept going when others would not. She thought of others when she should by rights have been thinking of herself. She believed and loved her Dad because he is a good man. She knew that then and still knows that now. Hers is the bravest kind of soul.
ReplyDeleteYou gave her the gift of hope and the strength to put up as big as fight as she could muster. I see no alternative, she needed to hear those words of hope and she would have found comfort in you being positive. You had no choice Rob, she knows that and loves you for it.
ReplyDeleteSharon x
Amen to Dominic!
ReplyDeleteYou told Kay that she would be alright, you believed it, we all believed it. And what you said came true for Kay - but not the way any of us wanted and now it's the rest of us who are not alright, but she is fine.
Hang in there Rob, you and Marion, Lauren and Nattie are amazing in your mutual support.
Loads of love and hugs
Linda xx
Hai Rob,
ReplyDeleteIk heb eigenlijk helemaal niets toe te voegen aan wat er er door de anderen is geschreven.
Ik denk dat schuldgevoelens ook onderdeel zijn van het rouwproces.
Wat had Kay moeten doen als ze zich niet aan jou en jouw woorden had kunnen vasthouden??
Hoe was dat voor haar geweest?
Jij was haar rots in de branding Rob!
Hou je taai, liefs Bettine
Ik sluit me volledig aan bij de andere schrijvers!
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Kay is watching over you, Marion, Lauren en Nattie.
Marie-Cécile
You did the right thing to keep Kay strong and courageous, and you had every reason to believe you were telling her the truth. You told her she'd be fine . . . she she is. Just a different kind of fine than everyone hoped for. I think she's let you know that a few times now.
ReplyDeleteWhen I think of Kay in the hospital, I think of her as a little girl. When I think of Kay as she is now, I think of her as someone wiser and more knowing than any of us here on earth can imagine.
Take care of yourself.
Boven vanuit de sterren,
ReplyDeletekijk ik vol liefde op je neer
ik wil je laten weten,
waar ik ben, in wat voor sfeer
Ook al zie en voel ik je verdriet,
ik kan dit niet meer met je delen,
want dat gevoel bestaat hier niet
Kon je mij maar even zien,
of heel even bij me zijn,
het neemt niet het missen weg,
maar verzacht vast de ergste pijn.
Ik geef je troost bij elke traan,
want de liefde die er is geweest,
zal nooit voorbij gaan