The good news today is that I'm off the antidepressant drug. I have to admit that I've cheated a bit, we had originally agreed with our GP that we'd reduce the dosage in steps over five weeks. But I was suffering from so many side effects that I pushed a little harder and got rid of it in four weeks - this is the same time that it took to build it up in the first place. The result is that the nasty headaches, toothache and shoulder & neck pain that I was suffering a couple of weeks ago have almost gone. My head feels, hmmm... how can I put this? Less restricted? Clearer? Difficult to say.
The reason for starting with this drug all those months ago was because I felt a creeping sense of despair. Certainly I don't have that feeling anymore so either the therapy worked or, more likely, the worst has happened and I'm actually now in the place that I was dispairing of being.
The bad news is that the sleeping problem persists. Last night I attempted a third night without using a sleeping tablet. I tried to induce sleep using melatonin and the lighter drug I'd mentioned previously. But again my mind simply wouldn't relax enough to enter a sleep state. At some point I started to drift off when suddenly I was 'shocked' awake. That was enough. It was 12:30am and I wasn't prepared to fight another night so I gave up and swallowed a damned tablet. I then slept pretty well, but not long enough.
Maybe it's too early for me to be dropping the sleeping meds. My mind just won't seem to rest of its own accord and too often when trying to get to sleep I find myself thinking about Kay, about her last days, about her beautiful persona and other painful things that lead away from peace of mind. I also noticed last night that immediately I turned out the light and closed my eyes my heart started thumping in my chest, an obvious indicator that I was not fit to sleep irrespective of the fact that I felt extremely tired. This is pretty frustrating. I long for the tine that I could put my head on the pillow and blink out for 7 hours or so, to wake up feeling refreshed and looking forward to a new day. Waking up at the moment is an exercise in wishing I could just go back to sleep again, wishing I could slide away from the horrible reality of a world without Kay.
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Lieve Rob, ik heb je post niet gelezen....
ReplyDeleteIk was voor mezelf een pittenzak aan het verwarmen, (dat vind ik fijn om met deze koude nachten mee naar bed te nemen) en moest even aan je denken.
Ik wilde je alleen even weltrusten wensen:
Slaap zacht Rob, morgen lees ik je blog verder.
Lfs Bettine
That is good news. You are from my experience 'wheels up'. If you now had a map and a flight plan... remember you are in a C172SP not your Extra for the moment. To grab alt and airspeed, let alone get to TOC; will take a while yet! Just fly straight. :)
ReplyDeleteOh, you just described my every night. Except, I can get to sleep. It just never lasts. Then, I lay awake all night long with my mind racing. I can't turn it off and I can't take help because Hannah is often up too with leg pain or throwing up.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My two year old niece died in September this year. It seems that we both have had one hell of a year. I hope you sleep again. I hope I do too.
I admire you for trying to go drug free. I have not yet had the courage to do so. I understand the nightmares because I have them. My husband has to wake me up to free me from them. I have twice fallen out of bed while trying to escape from a nightmare (imagine my surprise when I find myself in the floor...it's ok to laugh at that one)!!!
ReplyDeleteDebbie
Well done Rob, it might not feel it but that is a big step in the right direction. I was on them for about a month before I backed out of them. I am shocked now on how little I remember about that time mainly because my head was so fuzzy. It didn't help me at all to deal with the issues that caused me to take them, they were still there and still had to be dealt with.
ReplyDeleteSharon x
Well done you for managing to give up the antidepressent - and I'm glad you feel it's working. I'm sure you should allow yourself to keep the sleeping tabs for now - give yourself a week or two - or maybe wait until new year and try again. There's still an awful lot going on in your life and it's no wonder the brain doesn't cope with switching off and filing!
ReplyDeleteHang in there Rob!
Still thinking of you all, all the time.
Take care
Linda xx