I don't feel much like writing at the moment. Nothing seems to be going quite right. I wanted to cycle yesterday to see if I could find Kay, but it was a very grey, wet and miserable day. Was hoping to cycle tomorrow but I don't think I'll find her in the rain that's forecast for the whole day.
Marion got up this morning, moved stuff from A to B for a while and then went back to bed in the guest room, pulled the covers over her head and refused to see or talk to anyone. She emerged in the afternoon and disappeared into the garden, eventually returning looking a little less gloomy.
I don't think I've ever experienced such a feeling of depression and gloominess. Yet still mixed with periodic panic attacks. Marion, in a tearful moment, mentioned something to me this evening that hadn't occurred to me yet and that triggered another instant panic attack. In the meantime I'm lost for words to tell people how I am, to comfort Marion, to comfort myself. Everything has been said, every word used to exhaustion. And still none of it is enough.
The image popped into my mind that this situation is like one of those Christmas scenes in a glass bubble that you can shake up to generate a snow storm. Mostly the grief feels like it's just settled on top of me in a big thick blanket, generating a feeling of depression and misery. But every now and again something happens to shake it up and it flies around causing a storm of pain and tears. And it definitely feels like a closed system, none of the snow able to leak away.
I'd better stop writing like this, otherwise you'll all be throwing yourselves off the nearest tall building.
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No, just waiting at the bottom with the rest of your friends to catch you.
ReplyDeleteSharon x
Nice one Sharon,
ReplyDeletewas thinking much the same.
Please keep telling us how you feel. If it's bad, of course we can take it - can't necessarily say much, but a trouble shared...as they say...and we're here to help if we can.
Much love, many hugs and thinking of you all the time.
Linda and Em xx
Think of the happy Kay in your head. Kay is free from illness, free from pain, free. I find myself looking for things to say to make you feel better. Esther says that I shouldn't try to make what happened disappear, and it's true. Kay should have lived and the awful truth hurts. You must carry on and the hurting will hopefully go to bearable level. That's what Kay would want, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteMe too! x to you both. Bettine
ReplyDeleteI'm right now at the top of a tall building. Well, the 10th floor of four-seven-five Avenue Louise in Brussels to be precise. I have a view over the strikingly beautiful gardens of the 'Abbaye de la Cambre' - a medieval abbey and grounds in the centre of Brussels, which has largely been taken over by a local arts college. It's great walking through the gardens in the morning - like passing through a Cambridge College on the way to work (only the girls are a lot more pretty).
ReplyDeleteThere's no risk I will throw myself out: the windows are locked and in any event it's my last day in the office here. As beautful and well located as it is, I have decided that it might be better for my career to get out a little more and not be stuck in my beautiful cage ten floors up. Ah, how we must give up privileges some times.
***
Let us know how we can take part in opening your 'closed system'. We are ready to come over, or invite you to a super evening out in Brussels when you feel like it.
Love, James
Like Sharon says, we will catch you.
ReplyDeleteIt will take some time to find and pick up life again. At the moment living seems so without sense. The pain will catch you, the tears will burn. Let them do their thing, you need it. But in between try to find life again, it is worth living and if you do not find it for yourself, remember that there is another little girl waiting for you. She needs you at the moment, she is at the beginning of her life and needs the both of you to be guided into the great big world. Nattie and also Lauren need you so much .Try to find life again for yourself, for the both of you. The future will bring so much joy even though you do not believe it at the moment it will bring so many beautiful things. The growing up of Nattie and Lauren, their future life with "boyfriends", partners eventual children of their own. You cannot imagine how much joy this will bring into your life.
Try to hold on to these little perspectives. You won't succeed immediately, but wen it works for just a few minutes a day it will take you to a morning and sooner or later a whole day will come that you didn't feel pain at all and that there was joy and laughter again at de Vossenberg. And that day, Kay will laugh with you. She will know that you love her, miss her and remember her forever, but she will also approve of picking up your lives again and supporting Nattie and have fun and sing and laugh again. She wouldn't have wanted otherwise.
Wishing you to find life again,
Viviane
Rob: thanks for posting. Yes, we run out of new words to express what's in our hearts. And yet we still need them.
ReplyDeleteHeart reaches to heart - and mine to you right now - but words are the means of expression we're most used to, even if they've already been used and re-used.
So keep using them. Keep telling us what's going on if you can. And when you can't, just try to remember that we're all still "here" anyway: and more importantly, just now, so is Kay ... heart to heart - even on the grey days. Forever. And that kind of "here" can't ever be taken away.
Thanks to all who have written above ... this is real community, each of us sustaining the other. And all of us inspired by a little girl called Kay and her brave and loving family.
Hugs for you, and for Marion. Love, too, from Bramhall. As ever, Simon
Dear Rob and Marion,
ReplyDeleteI was looking for words what to write as I know it is very difficult and as you said: it is unknown linguistic territory. But I think that Vivian couldn't have expressed it better.
Regards, Leon&Angelines