I've had the second and, hopefully, final round of treatment for skin cancer today. And again it's been a day of missing Kay. In fact my heart feels heavier than in weeks, I'm constantly on the edge of tears and I feel very depressed. In this state it's so difficult to think positively, to try to find some cheer for the people around me.
The thing that I'm missing more than anything at the moment is Kay's future. At the age of 10 a child has just started to show their potential, but has yet to realise it. Kay shined at so many things: hockey, tennis, schoo, to name a fewl. She was so diligent with her school work. At home she chose to do homework, chose to go beyond the material that was required and she continued with this during her battle with cancer. She worked so hard, was so organised and serious about school work that I'm sure she would have grown up to have a great and responsible career. She would have been successful at anything she chose to do.
She loved her sport, she loved competition. To be honest, when she started playing hockey, I was bothered by the commitment that was required from the whole family. Saturday mornings would be dedicated to Kay's sport, limiting us from doing anything else. But as it became clear just how good she was, I started looking forward to a future of following her matches. My side of the family is not into team sports and I've never seen the attraction of it. But to have a daughter who was such a winner was a new experience for me and surprised and excited me. All that future is now gone, though I have to say that Nattie is very keen on her hockey too.
I cannot begin to say how much these thoughts hurt, how much I miss Kay's future. Her character balanced out our family, her laughter, her smile, her energy, her cuddles. Without her we're incomplete and will be forever.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Dear Rob,
ReplyDeleteWhilst the hole in the family will never heal, you will all eventually and gradually adjust, so that life gets back into balance - a different balance, but one where Kay can be mentioned and thought of without distress - but with a sad, wry smile.
There is a future Rob, it's not the one you envisaged, but it is there and it is a happy one, even if you can't believe that just now.
It's still early days and you - in particular - have had an awful lot to cope with in the past few weeks.
Remember the poem and 'do not hurry as you walk with grief, it does not help the journey'. Take time - you all need to be kind to yourselves.
Love to Marion, Lauren and Nattie - wish I could offer a huge, real hug.
Linda xx
Good to hear the skin cancer treatment is done. Fingers crossed that's off your list. Just one foot in front of the other now. No matter how fast or slow... just forward. Ali misses you so much. I believe Kay and our own little Tiger angel had a hand in my good fortune today. Take care Rob.
ReplyDeleteNice that Linda mentioned the poem. It's so true. Still thinking of you, marion. Nattie and Lauren. They hold Kay's future. Bye for now, Ciel
ReplyDelete