A Hard Step

I decided to enter 2011 without the support of sleeping tablets. I'd already halved the dose a while ago, but attempting to reducing it further caused me to have some pretty bad nights. But now I've reached a point where it's time to start looking after myself more. The experience with my back the last week or so is a wake up call that I'm taking a serious physical toll from all that has happened and continues to happen. So, here's the first change: out with the damned tablets.

Easier said than done, though. New Year's Eve was easy, into bed very late. But since then my nights have been dream hell. I've spent the last nights never quite sure whether I'm awake or asleep, since my mind has remained active in both states. Awake I guess that it's occupied with recognisable stuff, but when "asleep" it's been seriously tripping. And the annoying thing is that I remember a lot of the crap it comes up with. For example, on Sunday I had a "dream" that we were attending the christening of my sister's baby (she is pregnant in reality). But the Queen was also present, for some reason or other. However, I was in way too much of a rush to worry about the Queen, I had an appointment with Alan Sugar to discuss taking part in the next series of The Apprentice. But while I was mixing with the other candidates there was a machine gun attack on the crowd and we all had to dive for cover...

And so I have spent the last nights. I had been warned that these tablets repressed REM sleep and that one could dream more when stopping them, but the words do no justice to the experience. So far I have not noticed any lightening of the dream effect, no tendency towards better, more restful sleep. So I'm starting to worry whether what I'm experiencing is a side effect of stopping the medication or whether its the underlyng condition that the medication was suppressing. Difficult to judge. I'd expect to start sleeping better in the former case, not in the latter case. The only positive thing I can say is that during my awake periods I seem to be able to prevent my mind spiralling off into a panic attack. Also, although I'm sleeping badly, I'm not too tired during the day. Still, this situation has to start resolving itself pretty quickly because I have to be alert enough to drive home on Friday, a 12hr trip.

Otherwise, not much new to tell. Marion has been very depressed the last days, worryingly so. She's perhaps a little better today, but she looks pretty terrible and her mood is generally awful. My holiday break has been royally screwed up by my back. I've barely been able to walk more than a few hundred metres and cycling seems like a distant dream. As a result I feel fat, slow, unfit and generally slug-like. Definitely time to get a grip on the physical and weight side of things, if nothing else.