The end of another day

The last days have been tough. I don't intend to air my emotions in a blog- I'm sure they would scare you off reading anything else I may write. But without plumming the depths, I can say that so far Friday was my worst day. Taking Kay into the operating theatre and talking her into sleep was an experience that I had on day two the first time around and swore blind I'd never do again. Never say never - I did the same thing on Friday and it was worse, took me to the edge of reason.

I have the feeling that of us all, Kay is dealing with it best. This evening I had a long talk with Natasha on the way back from the hospital and asked her how she feels. Her answer was that she doesn't feel anything so far. But she's very observant and is beginning to understand what is going on. I'll talk to Lauren when she gets home this week.

My impression is that Marion is dealing with it better than I am. She is very emotional and openly so, except when she is with Kay. In a sense I feel that Marion's ability to give rein to her emotions, even to a limited extent, is a sign that she's coming to terms with them.

I dare not give my emotions a millimetre of freedom. They're raging so strongly that, like a dam, the smallest leak is likely to result in a catastrophic flood. So I'm doing what I normally do in these circumstances, locking the emotions down, dealing with the reality and facts of the situation, and waiting until I'm calmer and more able to deal with how I feel. So please, if you think that I'm being distant or cool, understand that this is not because I don't feel any emotions but rather the exact opposite: my emotions are so strong that they would incapacitate me if given rein and this I cannot allow right now. There are a lot of people depending on me to carry on functioning.