Marion remarked that my blog is rather too factual. She says that her emails are written from the heart, that once written she doesn't re-read them and that writing them represents a kind of emotional release for her. She's encouraging me to do the same thing. However my emotions are such a raging torrent that I'm not sure that I can even begin to put them down in words and if I did I think the result would be enough to have me locked away in a padded cell for time eternal. Plus, along the way I'm sure that I would bruise a lot of people's feelings, specifically in the area of God/non-God. But you can be sure that I'm going to be re-reading Dawkins when I get out of here.
I'm angry. That's for sure. (Reminds me of Richard Gere in the film "Pretty Woman"). I'm also extremely frustrated. Partially because there's no-one/nothing to vent my anger at. Occams Razor dictates that this situation is just bad luck and there's nothing to blame except for the faceless winds of fate. But still, the desire to rail against someone or something is overwhelming, almost enough to make it worthing believing in a deity and then blaming them. I can understand how religions get founded.
I'm scared. Unsurprising. What is surprising is that I'm more scared than last time. My explanation for this is that last time Kay was a baby. This time she's a full blown unique person who has carved out her place in our lives. Last time I was worried about losing the 'potential' of Kay, if you like. This time I'm worried about losing the actuality. And here I run out of words, I leave it to your imagination.
I'm worried. Last time was was very hard on the family and on Marion & I in particular. Our relationship hasn't recovered from the last time, when it was tested to the max. And this time the situation is more complex. Last time were sitting on a pile of money and had no other critical obligations. This time we have Verum to deal with as well. Will we be able to deal with everything that will come our way without tearing each other to bits in the process?
And this is all just the tip of the iceberg. As I read it back, I realize that I've not really done what Marion said, this is still a collection of facts and not really how I feel. But I can't actually begin to describe how I feel and I don't want to, it would be like kicking Mount Vesuvius.
So, do I feel better for having written this? No, not really. I'm kind of aware of the landscape of my feelings anyway, which is all that I've described here. Writing it down has brought the landscape slightly better into focus, but that's all. I'll have to think about whether to post this entry. Who wants to read this stuff anyway?
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Dear Rob,
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't worry about bruising people's feelings! Do and say what you need to do and say in order to get through this horrendous ordeal. Those that know you and are your genuine friends will understand and support you. The rest can go and read something else if they find it too hard to swallow. Anyway, since when do you shy away from a good old rant about a controversial topic like religion?!? On a serious note, I cannot imagine what you are going through. What I do know is that you are one hell of a tough bloke with a hell of a depth of determination, stubborness and an "I will not quit" attitude. Keep fighting and give any of us a shout if there is anything we can do to support you.
Phil x
Hi Rob
ReplyDeleteHaving read this, our and kay's blog as well as Marion's emails, we simply see the strength and determination with this battle from all of you. We are all though also human and with this the emotions will find its own way out of each personal system. It is good to give it an exit!
To all of you we can ony send you warmth and an" open door invitation", and perhaps shortly a walk in the woods of Oisterwijk with a cup of tee under a freezing pillow....many thougths 4all of you, herman/carine