In need of Holiday

Some time has gone by since I last wrote, largely because I've been very busy with work, etc. The good news is that I'm still off the Oxyzepam. However this has not been without cost. I've been sleeping badly and dreaming a lot with the result that I'm extremely tired. In the last days the summer work lull has started to set in and I've really begun to feel how tired I am. I'm sat here now with a few minutes to spare before I have to head off for my 3rd EMDR treatment and my head is buzzing with fatigue. Holiday - next week on Saturday - cannot come soon enough.

The gains that I have made as a result of EMDR have largely remained. I still feel much better than I did a while ago. I still have the sense of Kay with me, the feeling that there's a link to her in my head, though sometimes she seems to be further away than others. But at the moment, and probably just because I'm so tired, a mere sense of Kay doesn't feel like enough. I miss her physical presence. 

We got through the 1st birthday of the season last Sunday, Nattie's 9th, without too much ado. I had a strong sense that Kay was around and was loving being with her family, seeing her family largely being happy. This sense partially filled in the gap that would otherwise have left a big hole in the day. 

The next challenge will be Marion's birthday on the 19th. Marion's having weekly EMDR at the moment, so I hope that she will be adequately strengthened to face her birthday and then Kay's on the 2nd of August.

Kay's birthday still intimidates me. It will be the subject of today's EMDR session - apparently it's possible to do EMDR on future events as well as those in the past. 

I notice that I'm still protecting myself from memories of Kay. I avoid thinking about where we were this time last year and what we were doing. In retrospect it was all downhill from the moment she came home after the BMT. The transplant had essentially failed and we just had not caught up with the facts, I suppose. Kay was so incredibly strong and fought so hard to keep her life. But the writing was on the wall already. Actually, I don't want to go there now, or at all...  it's still way too painful. 

I have to leave for the EMDR in a few minutes. I hope that it will cheer me up and/or that I can get some rest and shake off the gloom and depression that I feel right now.