No more Oxyzepam?

I seem to have, more or less involuntarily, kicked-off from Oxyzepam, a fact that I can only see as another improvement in circumstances. I've been using Oxyzepam to fall asleep for a while now. It's pretty effective, seemingly without any of the nasty side effects that I had from the full blown sleeping tablets. A week last Thursday I noticed that I was almost through my supply so I put in a prescription renewal. However I forgot to pick up the new supply on Friday. On Friday night I thought "what the hell" and decided to cold-turkey it through the weekend.


The first night was unexpected hell. I had nasty nightmares the whole night long, the kind that it's not possible to shake off. I kept waking up and trying to distract myself, but when I fell asleep again I was right back into the nightmare, seemingly where I left off. I remember vividly in the dream fighting with someone, trying to shoot them. Eventually I put the gun in their mouth and pulled the trigger twice, but there was a cork (!) in the end of the gun and nothing happened. I managed to pull the cork out and pulled the trigger again, but this time there were no more bullets in the gun. So I ended up throwing the guy down a stairwell. From this you can conclude a) this was a horrible nightmare and b) it was bad enough that I have remembered it in some detail.


Saturday night was a little better, still nightmares but less intense - I don't remember any of them. Sunday was a bit better again, but I still woke up feeling less rested than if I'd taken the tablets. On Monday I picked the new supply up, but I decided that I'd got so far that it would be a shame to revert. So I pushed on with the cold turkey and slowly through last week I've got to the state that I'm sleeping about as well without the tablets as I was with them. That's not to say that I'm sleeping brilliantly. Without the tablets it takes me longer to get to sleep and I also seem to be waking up earlier - 6am on the nail every morning for the last week. But there's a sense of achievement of now being essentially drug-free. 


The benefits of EMDR continue to accumulate. I still feel the same sense of grief that I felt before, but now I don't seem to be suffering from it quite as much. The lightness of soul continues to develop (hopefully not into lightness of head!). I was supposed to have a 3rd session today but in the end we have been reviewing progress and planning the next session, next week. There are still issues to confront, for instance the imminent arrival of Kay's birthday, and still a lot of ground to cover. But I have the feeling that I've seen the worst of the pain of grief.


My biggest concern is now Marion. Of course, it would be incorrect of me to write about her, so there's little I can say. What I can say is that I'm worried because she's still losing weight and is skinnier than ever. But she remains a tough cookie and is fully operational - now outside mowing the grass in +30 degrees. And she's taking action to deal with her feeling, which is reassuring. I just hope that she gains some strength before holiday.