I'm fighting off a major attack of depression, but not being very successful at it. My heart feels like a stone in my chest. I've started sleeping badly again, unable to rid myself of negative thoughts as I try to get to sleep. It feels like the world is falling apart, like it's going to continue falling apart. I'm clinging on to the fact that this should just be a passing moment, that I'll brighten up soon. After all, we had a good week last week and we were as happy as we could be these days. So it must be possible to return to that state, at least. But at the moment I don't know how, don't know where to turn or what to do to brighten things up.
Marion represents the epitome of the problem: she is radiating misery every minute of the day and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Maybe it's a mistake being largely on our own these weeks. Maybe that was the key last week, that we were surrounded by people for a lot of the day. The problem is that if we decide to return home, my holiday will effectively end. Work is already hanging in the wings and my mind has at least in part switched back to thinking about it after a week of not thinking about it at all. At least if we returned home Marion would have her mum around. But for the rest, we would just have bad weather, gloom and depression in a different place. And I would almost certainly end up working.
I still can't think of what to do on Kay's birthday, everything feels so false. I'm sure that Kay wants us to be happy, wants us to be together as a family, but I don't know how to realize happiness. I feel that we should be led by what Nattie and Lauren think we should do, but I've asked them and they don't know either. It feels like being on a collision course with a supertanker, you know that this huge moment is looming but there's already nothing that you can do to avoid it except be prepared to be flattened.
I really wish that I didn't have to deal with this moment, with these days. I wish that I could pass it off to someone else and merely be a passenger for a while. Curl up in a ball and pull the covers over my head.
Anyone got the phone number for the A Team?
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Oh Rob, I feel that Debbie was probably right when she said that the preceding days are worse than the actual event.
ReplyDeleteNo-one else can really suggest what is best for you, we can only say what we imagine would be our own response to a situation most of us have never had to face. I think I'd be planning to get out and go somewhere Kay would have liked, making it a treat for everyone, including Kay. I'd also have a moment of remembering in the evening - with Chinese lanterns, which for me brought an incredible feeling of peace after the events of the day of celebrating Kay's life. In fact (thinking as I write now), what if your bloggers, friends and family all send a lantern into the sky at the same time, all around the world…? We can arrange that…
Yes, it may feel unreal, but you (we) all need to be allowed to remember - and sitting around and feeling utterly distraught will be worse.
Mega hugs Honey – with you all the time as you face this, keep writing Rob.
Much love to all
Linda xx
I would say it was an error being on your own this week. I have always reckoned that your house in France, as wonderful as it is, is in quite an isolated position and just the kind of place for introspection. If I needed to go some place where I didn't want to bump into people, and just stare at the horizon your house would be perfect. The problem is that is just about the last thing you should be doing now. I can only imagine the torture of being in a place that you associate with Kay, and being allowed all the space in the world to let your mind wander.
ReplyDeleteLast week you were busy and most importantly with other people. I truly believe that what will get you out of this is not only to be with other people, but to concern yourself with them as well. A lot of what I read (and hear) from you is about Kay and your difficulties with coming to terms with the life-changing events. What would change everything is to find an outwardly directed purpose that would help other people.
We have friends here in Brussels who lost their 4 year old son, Max, to Leukemia some six months before Kay. Philippe (the father) runs a gardening business. To honour Max he extended his business into renting bouncy castles at the weeked (which Max loved) and all profits go to a charity that he has registered to help long term sick children in hospitals. Based on their experience while in hospital with Max they have started to supply Nintendo wii's to hospitals. Philippe and his wife continue to visit hospitals and offer their help.
We had a discussion with him about Max and Kay - and of course they like you will never be over the loss of a child. But what stops Philippe from falling into depression is being busy (his gardening business requires considerable physical effort) and an outwardly directed purpose.
I do not believe that a "solution" to your depression will come from looking into the (beautiful) horizon offered at your French house. One day that will be beautiful and calming again when you have found inner peace. You will only find meaning by finding other people again, and I believe that you may find a renewed purpose in life by loving and helping others again.
For the rest of this week... well try and keep busy and try to find a way to do so with other people. I don't know whether its possible to invite the "neighbours" or get other people down there with you...
Lots of love,
James
I will take a lantern to Bardsey x
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