I've been extremely busy during the last weeks, a lot of work, a lot of pressure. The consequence, for better or worse, is that a lot of seconds have been filled with work thoughts and therefore not with Kay thoughts. I'm not sure whether that's a good or bad thing. If accused of losing myself in work I'd have a job defending myself. But it doesn't feel like losing myself in work because, well, I'd rather not be working so much.
I've been spending a lot of time with Nattie. I hope that I'm not overcompensating for losing Kay, but again, it doesn't feel like it. Actually it feels like something that I've spent the last ten years not doing enough of: bedtime reading, extra maths, mountain biking, building a model railway board together with Nat. When Kay was alive there was always time to do these things in the future and no need to do them now. Now that she's gone there doesn't seem to be enough time to do them now or ever. Nattie is growing up too quickly and Lauren is almost there already. It feels like the silences in our house are going to get longer way too quickly, silences that never should have been there in the place, at least not at this stage in our lives.
This is something that Marion & I feel greatly: too much quiet. Nattie was away overnight two weekends ago and we both felt lost in a house empty of children. Before, on the odd occasion that both Kay & Nat were away we never thought about the quiet. We had the comfort of knowing that they would be back soon. But the loss of Kay seems to have taken that comfort away. Every minute that Nattie and Lauren are away is a minute of our lives that it lost to emptiness.
I'd resolved to try and write something of a more upbeat message today. But somehow, as I write, I find my mind travelling down these somber paths. The pain of losing Kay is not less, the implications are just as great as they were on the 19th September. She's everywhere and nowhere at all. Her pictures surround us, Marion wishes her night-night, her bedroom is waiting for her, I kiss her photo twice a day. I don't know how we live with it, but to an extent it seems that we do. Oh, how much it wish things were different.
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Rob
ReplyDeleteThe upbeat message is that you are spending more time with Natasha and that must be good for both of you.
Love Alistair, Sue and Emma
I read something the other day which was quite poignant, it was from a woman who lost a child in his early twenties. She wrote about the death of a child bringing a halt to their parents lives, like a full stop in the middle of a sentence. She also wrote about her childs enormous spark and how the child had the ability to light a spark in everyone he met. Sounds very much like Kay. The mother is Penelope Worsley and she has gone on to do some great charity work in her son's name. It was quite an inspirational piece.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you Rob, I can only wonder how hard the days must be for you and admire your strength as face the future. Keep up those activities with Nattie, you both will surely benefit.
Sharon x