Painful Memories (Not for the faint-hearted)

I've been felled by grevious outbreak of grief. It started yesterday evening when I was sitting in the car on the way home from friends. I was dozing on the passenger seat when I was hit by a flashback so vivid that it's almost impossibly painful to recount. I used to tease Kay, right up until she became sick, by picking her up with one of my arms under her knees and the other behind her neck. I'd then bring her knees up to her chest so that I held her tight in a ball. I'd then rock her from side to side and say "Ahhh, Baby Kay". Or I'd sing "Rock-a-bye Baby" and at the end, when the bough breaks, dump her on the sofa.

She thought this was either a big pain in the ass, (Baby Kay version) or big fun (dumping on the sofa version). Either way we would have a big laugh. It always struck me when I picked her up like this how beautifully light she was. Long limbs, long hair and light weight. The figure of an athlete. Her hair amazed me, thick, red, long, gorgeous. It was always a wonder to me that I could possibly have been a part of bringing this beautiful and spirited child into the world. She'd fight me when I did the Baby Kay version, yelling "Daaadddddeeee" in her typically modulated way. "Put me down". So different from Lauren or Nattie.

Ahhh, the pain. At home I went into complete meltdown and I've been there ever since. I had a terrible night, couldn't get to sleep. And when I did I had horrible dreams. I woke this morning feeling more tired and depressed than for a while. I'm hovering on the edge of tears, over the edge right now. The loss of Kay is weighing more heavily on my heart. I'm so tired and depressed that I've taken the day off work, unlike me. But I just don't feel like doing anything except trying to sleep a bit and lie here trying to find a place for these incredibly painful but important memories.

Oh man, this is so hard. I MISS MY KAY so, so, so, so much. Where is she? Why has she gone from me? Why did such a wonderful, beautiful, girl have to leave this world? Why has my heart been broken so badly?

I can't see the screen properly anymore through this veil of tears. And my heart hurts so much that it feels like it can't possibly continue to beat. I wish there was some way to forego this pain, I can't imagine how it's possible to keep going, living like this, there can really be nothing worse.