Chicken

I have to own up to the fact that I chickened out of the 2nd EMDR treatment last week. I really didn't feel up it. I discussed my feeling with the psychologist who in the end agreed with me. She said that normally she'd push on, EMDR works best if it is applied in a regular, routine way. But it was clear to her that I hadn't yet recovered enough to begin a second treatment. 

I felt rather guilty. I hate admitting to this kind of weakness, but I also felt that I'd been pushed to the absolute limit in the first EMDR session and that I hadn't sufficiently recovered to do it again. I noticed in the week or so after the EMDR that I had less access to memories of Kay, like in the period after her death. This led me to thinking that my subconscious was putting up protective barriers again, which would be indicative of some kind of traumatic reaction to the EMDR. And I could well believe that, the experience was so incredibly intense.

Another consequence of this was that I couldn't think of a new seed memory with which to start the second EMDR. The idea of EMDR is that one picks a traumatic or painful memory and faces it down in various ways. Because my mind seemed to be closed to these kinds of memories of Kay, I couldn't think of anywhere to start.

Still, the session with the psychologist was a help of itself. However she said that we will continue with EMDR in the next session, which is tomorrow (!). This time I feel more ready and able to face it and I have a new seed memory in mind. So I guess that there's no way out this time. I'm dreading it.