Lighter Soul

I'm struggling to know quite how to start this entry. What I want to say is that I think that the EMDR treatment is working, that I feel noticeably lighter of soul, still swimming but that I've managed to cast off the waterlogged clothes that were dragging me down. The reason that I'm struggling to know how to start is that I feel a strong need to qualify this optimism. And this puzzles me: why do I feel such a need to qualify a positive message? I guess I'll have to think about that some more. 

Back to the EMDR: the second treatment was hard, but not as hard as the first. After the first I had to lie down on the bed for a few hours, after the second I only needed a few beers and an evening sitting quietly in the garden. I got the beers but not the quiet evening as Marion's family turned up. In the days after, I started to notice a real difference in how I felt. It's difficult to describe, the best description is indeed "lighter of soul". The grief is still there but it's not as dominant as it was. This is very noticeable, so noticeable in fact that at the weekend I decided to try out just how far it goes. So I went into Kay's bedroom and nosed around a bit - something I couldn't have done a month ago. I lasted about five minutes and didn't feel pushed to my limit. An achievement.

But perhaps the biggest change that I've noticed is that I feel closer to Kay. We're on the edge of what I can say on the blog, but I now have a very strong feeling that Kay is here, with me. It's so difficult to describe, but it is a physical feeling. I think that I've mentioned it before, that I feel...  ...something in the rear right quarter of my head. It feels like someone's hand pressing very lightly on my skull above and behind my right ear. I've noticed that after the EMDR, as I have begun to feel lighter of soul, this feeling has become more...  ...focused, is the only word I can find. And it really does feel like the essence of Kay. And it really does feel like she's injecting comments into my head. Eg, this morning I forgot to lock up the house properly, after having been so instructed by Marion. I was just down the road when I remembered and I turned round and went back. After I'd corrected my mistake, I quite clearly 'heard' Kay say, "Silly Daddy", though the sense is not of hearing.    


Last Sunday was Father's Day and I have to admit that I didn't miss Kay. Why not? Because I had the feeling that she was there, right there with me/us. And when I was in her bedroom at the weekend I realized that Kay likes that fact that it's kept operational. Curtains open, curtains closed, etc. Today, when I was locking up the house for the second time I walked past her bedroom and had the sense that the reason why Kay likes her bedroom as it is, is that she likes her ties to our lives and that she's in a new situation and these ties with us and with her things give her stability and reassurance. 


So, either the EMDR is being successful and my lighter soul is more accessible to Kay, or EMDR has driven me completely nuts and I'm now certifiably barking-mad. Either way, I'm happier than I was.