I have the feeling that the heart of the storm is approaching. Next week's MRD will dictate whether we're dropped straight into the main event of Kay's treatment without a break, with a high level of cancer still in Kay's system and the likelihood of having to compromise on the quality of the donor match. Or whether the cancer in her system has continued to respond to treatment, whether we get a short break and some time to marshall our strength and whether there is more time to find better donor.
The first alternative is very worrying. It means that Kay's cancer has remained resistant to further treatment and that we will be pushed into a BMT in compromised circumstances. My gut feel says that this will be a much harder path than the second alternative. And what also worries me is that so far at every junction we have taken the more difficult route. Irrespective of everything that we have been told, everything that we have considered, I don't have the sense that Kay's cancer is particularly amenable to treatment. So it really would not surprise me if her MRD is above 10^-3 next week, that we have to immediately deal with another round of heavy chemo, that either Marion or I end up being the donor, that the BMT is harder and less certain as a result. Nothing about this situation so far has offered us a break and it doesn't feel to me like a situation that is going to offer us a break.
I don't mean to sound defeatist, defeatism is not in my nature. However Marion and I have joked in a fatalistic way for many years that the light at the end of the tunnel is the next train coming and that we have seen our (un)fair share of tunnels in the last 12 years. It would therefore be entirely in keeping with our history for the tunnels to continue for a while yet, for us to be tested even more deeply than we have been.
Just writing this statement makes me feel tired all over. And when I look at Marion I see that her face needs ironing and that her tears are never far away.
Please can we have a break? Can we have a little ray of sunlight apart from Kay herself? Can we avoid having to face the darkest and most difficult path?
There was a time when I was a little kid that whilst staying with my uncle I stole a pocket knife out of a draw in his house. Later my mum found and recognized it. When my uncle next visited she took me into the kitchen, gave me the knife and told me that I had to give it back to my uncle and apologize. Otherwise she would tell my uncle and she would ensure that the consequences would be infinitely worse. I remember I absolutely did not want to face my uncle. My legs felt heavy and my feet stuck to the floor, my head hung down like it was too heavy. I had to drag myself to face him in front of everyone in the room and every step became harder, like some kind of anti-gravity. To this day I remember the whole thing clearly, the fear was so great. The only thing that kept me moving was knowing that there was no going back because the alternative would be worse. It wasn't strength of character that made me face my uncle, but rather fear of the alternatives. (I suppose you could always argue that it was mum's strength of character that drove me on).
And this is how I feel about the remainder of Kay's treatment. There's no going back, the alternatives are infinitely worse. So the only way to go is forward, whatever happens. That it's not strength of character that's going to get me through this, I absolutely do not want to face whatever comes next, but simply fear of the alternatives, fear of failing to do the right thing. Fear of not looking after Kay, of not putting her first. Fear.
In every other situation that I've faced where fear was a factor I have dealt with the it by looking it in the eye, by understanding what it was about. For instance, when Verum has been in a tight financial corner, when we have had to face the very real prospect of running out of money, of failing, when I have been waking up at night covered in sweat from stress and fear, I simply looked deeply into the figures, I worked to understand the situation, to look into it and beyond it and to decided what to do. Fear then vanished, banished by the light of knowledge and the power of action.
But this situation is different. In this case fear of the known is worse than fear of the unknown. For instance, imagine that I sat down and did some internet research on bone marrow transplants from haploid donors and learnt that the success rate was 20%. Imagine that I looked into the survival rates of children with the kind of relapsed leukemia that Kay has and I learnt that it was 15%. What would I do with this information? I can tell you: it would paralyse me. It would destroy my (crumbling) mental control. It would mean that every minute of the day & night I would be haunted by images of life-without-Kay. Further, even with this knowledge there are no actions that I can take to changes thing, to bring about a better result. In principle our lot is already cast in the genetic signature of Kay's cancer and there's nothing I can do about it. So in this case fear cannot be banished by knowledge and the power of action. So I have to live with the feeling of having to drag myself to the moment of reckoning, with every fibre of my being begging to find an alternative, any alternative that means that I/we don't have to face that moment.
So, it would be so very nice if we got a little ray of sunshine, some indication that fate has not completely set its face against us.
BTW, my uncle, bless him, forgave me and gave me the knife. A lesson that I have remembered all my life.
Saturday, 23 January 2010
Saturday, 26 December 2009
Christmas Thoughts
I've not added to my own blog for weeks, mostly because I guess that I'd become accustomed to the situation and also because I've been too busy and too tired to expend much energy on self reflection. The initial feelings of unreality that I'd felt have passed, replaced by some kind of mind numbing acceptance of our daily reality. I've become adept at not asking certain sorts of questions, not allowing myself to think certain kinds of thoughts, not counting on realising any plans, not allowing myself to think about the future. I've tried to find joy in immediate things, things that happen by the minute, things that are small scale, details of short term life: a dry witted remark from Lauren, an acute and funny observation from Natasha, a laugh from Kay. These things are precious of course and I probably don't appreciate them enough under normal circumstances, but they don't fully compensate for losing the future.
This is no way to live one's life. Certainly, it's against my very nature to focus on micro events. I always have plans. When I reach A, in my head I'm always already planning and heading for B and I have C in mind. I have viewed this as one of my greatest short comings, the fact that I never stop and absorb or enjoy the here-and-now. It makes life rush past rather (too) quickly. One facet of this is my inability to enjoy "moments of celebration". Usually when such a moment is reached, such as closing a business deal or launching a product, my mind is already over the horizon and the moment of celebration seems irrelevant. So I suppose, on the basis of "the things that happen to us reflect the lessons that we most need to learn", I should welcome the current situation as basic lesson in establishing a better balance between the here-and-now and the future. But frankly, in my current "stripped down to bare metal" state of mind I have no time for philosophical sops, they offer no protection against the daily harsh reality of having a child with High Risk Leukemia.
The problem with this time of the year is that it's full of reflection, of past and future. Frankly this is overloading my "think only immediately" mental dampers. I know that Marion is also suffering from a similar problem. She has been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat all week and, without even having spoken about it, I know that fear of the future and the difficulty of the present is just too much for her. She's only just able to continue functioning. And I'm close to being in the same state, though for me the effect is different. I just try to retreat further behind my mental firewall, which to everyone on the outside (of my head) seems to appear as an increasing distance/detachment from daily/social matters. For instance, in the days leading up to Christmas many of my colleagues came in to my office to wish us a Happy Christmas and to offer their hope everything would go well, etc. I found it extremely difficult to deal with these very kind and dear thoughts and good wishes. I just wanted to be left alone because right now I can't deal with good wishes for the future, because we don't have a future. Or rather, contemplating any aspect of the future, even in the form of wishing us a Happy Christmas, threatens to break my mental dampers.
And here's the dilemma: on the one hand, I/we need to feel/receive support more than ever. Every kind word, comment, email that we get is treasured and makes us feel better. On the other hand, I find it extremely difficult to deal with anything that even vaguely touches on the future, or the past for that matter. For instance, just consider the word "hope". This is a word that is completely filtered out/banned from use by my mental firewall. I have no interest in the concept of hope. If it's one thing that I have learnt, when it comes to pure fate things are what they are and will be what they will be, no matter what I might hope for, no matter what I might wish. Specifically, Kay's cancer has a dimension to it that is to a certain extent resistant to the chemotherapy that she had 7 years ago and to the chemotherapy that she's getting these days. That's why her MRD is high, that's why she needs a bone marrow transplant. The idea is to reach the lowest possible MRD with chemotherapy and then kill off the rest of her bone marrow in the hope of killing off enough of the chemo-resistant cancer cells so that when new bone marrow is transplanted the very, very few residual cancer cells left will be cleaned up by the body's natural defences. However, no-one can say for certain if this will work. So it's down to fate. There's nothing that I can do to influence the outcome. No amount of hope, no amount of wishing or praying or anything else is going to affect the outcome. So I don't plan to think about it, just merely still be here when the result becomes apparent.
Mental firewalls have their limits, at least mine does. It has worked effectively enough during the last weeks, but in the context of Christmas it has barely been holding its own. Frankly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that next Christmas there will be a gaping hole in our family. There, I said it. Now I can't see the screen through my tears. Wait a sec, I have to pull myself together...
During the last days, and especially, nights I have found it increasingly difficult to turn away from such thoughts and their consequences. Even during the day, focussing on the minute-to-minute moments and trying to treasure them, part of me is wondering how many more of them there will be. Again, one can call on a philosophical sop and say that none of us know the answers to these questions, that I could have a heart attack on my mountain bike later today. But this is of course merely a sop, the abstract versus cold reality. Cold reality wins every time in my book. So, right now I feel like the Grinch: I hate Christmas.
And New Year will be worse. I know for certain that the closer we get to New Year the more inconsolable Marion will become. And I hate New Year at the best of times. In the last years I have found an antidote to New Year, namely walking on the beach in St Cyr (near Bandol) with the family & good friends followed by sitting outside in the winter sun drinking wine at a nice restaurant. However neither of these things are possible this year and we can't arrange to have friends round on New Year because anything can happen between now and then. So, just let us return to the other 50 weeks of the year when we're not confronted with a constant stream of relativistic moments and messages, and the impossibility of having a social life during the most social weeks of the year.
I have delayed going mountain biking to write this because I felt so extremely awful, having just waved Kay & Marion bye-bye. But writing is cathartic to an extent, surprisingly enough. So I'm off to see if I can't cheer myself up some more in the woods. Frankly, I'd better just press the "publish post" button and not reread this or I'm likely to pull it - such emotional stuff. So forgive me any spelling or English mistakes...
This is no way to live one's life. Certainly, it's against my very nature to focus on micro events. I always have plans. When I reach A, in my head I'm always already planning and heading for B and I have C in mind. I have viewed this as one of my greatest short comings, the fact that I never stop and absorb or enjoy the here-and-now. It makes life rush past rather (too) quickly. One facet of this is my inability to enjoy "moments of celebration". Usually when such a moment is reached, such as closing a business deal or launching a product, my mind is already over the horizon and the moment of celebration seems irrelevant. So I suppose, on the basis of "the things that happen to us reflect the lessons that we most need to learn", I should welcome the current situation as basic lesson in establishing a better balance between the here-and-now and the future. But frankly, in my current "stripped down to bare metal" state of mind I have no time for philosophical sops, they offer no protection against the daily harsh reality of having a child with High Risk Leukemia.
The problem with this time of the year is that it's full of reflection, of past and future. Frankly this is overloading my "think only immediately" mental dampers. I know that Marion is also suffering from a similar problem. She has been bursting into tears at the drop of a hat all week and, without even having spoken about it, I know that fear of the future and the difficulty of the present is just too much for her. She's only just able to continue functioning. And I'm close to being in the same state, though for me the effect is different. I just try to retreat further behind my mental firewall, which to everyone on the outside (of my head) seems to appear as an increasing distance/detachment from daily/social matters. For instance, in the days leading up to Christmas many of my colleagues came in to my office to wish us a Happy Christmas and to offer their hope everything would go well, etc. I found it extremely difficult to deal with these very kind and dear thoughts and good wishes. I just wanted to be left alone because right now I can't deal with good wishes for the future, because we don't have a future. Or rather, contemplating any aspect of the future, even in the form of wishing us a Happy Christmas, threatens to break my mental dampers.
And here's the dilemma: on the one hand, I/we need to feel/receive support more than ever. Every kind word, comment, email that we get is treasured and makes us feel better. On the other hand, I find it extremely difficult to deal with anything that even vaguely touches on the future, or the past for that matter. For instance, just consider the word "hope". This is a word that is completely filtered out/banned from use by my mental firewall. I have no interest in the concept of hope. If it's one thing that I have learnt, when it comes to pure fate things are what they are and will be what they will be, no matter what I might hope for, no matter what I might wish. Specifically, Kay's cancer has a dimension to it that is to a certain extent resistant to the chemotherapy that she had 7 years ago and to the chemotherapy that she's getting these days. That's why her MRD is high, that's why she needs a bone marrow transplant. The idea is to reach the lowest possible MRD with chemotherapy and then kill off the rest of her bone marrow in the hope of killing off enough of the chemo-resistant cancer cells so that when new bone marrow is transplanted the very, very few residual cancer cells left will be cleaned up by the body's natural defences. However, no-one can say for certain if this will work. So it's down to fate. There's nothing that I can do to influence the outcome. No amount of hope, no amount of wishing or praying or anything else is going to affect the outcome. So I don't plan to think about it, just merely still be here when the result becomes apparent.
Mental firewalls have their limits, at least mine does. It has worked effectively enough during the last weeks, but in the context of Christmas it has barely been holding its own. Frankly, I'm terrified. I'm terrified that next Christmas there will be a gaping hole in our family. There, I said it. Now I can't see the screen through my tears. Wait a sec, I have to pull myself together...
During the last days, and especially, nights I have found it increasingly difficult to turn away from such thoughts and their consequences. Even during the day, focussing on the minute-to-minute moments and trying to treasure them, part of me is wondering how many more of them there will be. Again, one can call on a philosophical sop and say that none of us know the answers to these questions, that I could have a heart attack on my mountain bike later today. But this is of course merely a sop, the abstract versus cold reality. Cold reality wins every time in my book. So, right now I feel like the Grinch: I hate Christmas.
And New Year will be worse. I know for certain that the closer we get to New Year the more inconsolable Marion will become. And I hate New Year at the best of times. In the last years I have found an antidote to New Year, namely walking on the beach in St Cyr (near Bandol) with the family & good friends followed by sitting outside in the winter sun drinking wine at a nice restaurant. However neither of these things are possible this year and we can't arrange to have friends round on New Year because anything can happen between now and then. So, just let us return to the other 50 weeks of the year when we're not confronted with a constant stream of relativistic moments and messages, and the impossibility of having a social life during the most social weeks of the year.
I have delayed going mountain biking to write this because I felt so extremely awful, having just waved Kay & Marion bye-bye. But writing is cathartic to an extent, surprisingly enough. So I'm off to see if I can't cheer myself up some more in the woods. Frankly, I'd better just press the "publish post" button and not reread this or I'm likely to pull it - such emotional stuff. So forgive me any spelling or English mistakes...
Monday, 23 November 2009
Tired.
I'm so tired it's difficult to find the energy to even write this blog. In fact I'm only doing it out of bloodymindedness, to push myself to do something with the day.
This morning I had an appointment at 7.30am with the physio to see if he could help with the headache that I've had for the last week. He discovered that the muscles at the base of my skull are rock hard and massaged them, partially releasing some of the pressure in my head.
I had an enormous problem getting out of bed for this appointment so when I got home I decided that I felt rough enough to justify taking the rest of the day off. I went back to bed expecting to sleep for a few hours and have been unconscious for the best part of the day. As I sit here now, I could fall asleep in a few minutes.
I plan to take it easy this week and allow this tiredness to take its course.
I've had a few comments regarding my remark last week about Marion being in a bad temper, including a demand from my sister to remove it from the blog. I don't intend to air all aspects of this situation in a blog, don't worry. But equally it is true that the situation puts a lot of pressure on relationships and that every now and again this has visible consequences.
The last time that Kay had leukemia our marriage suffered under the pressure and the results of that took years to mend. This time we're more aware of the effects and we're taking steps to avoid a recurrence of this problem. For instance, last time it was two years before Marion & I had a weekend away on our own. This time I intend to try and arrange time away for us as soon as the situation allows. As Vivane remarked one of her comments, it's essential for a couple in this situation to think about themselves and their relationship too. But to be honest, such thinking doesn't get much priority under the circumstances unless one explicitly gives it priority.
It's an illusion to think that a marriage can get through such difficulties without stress and strain on the underlying relationship, not least because Marion & I have seen each other so little in the last weeks, that we have our own perceptions of the events and that when not dealing with Kay, the business, etc, we're both too tired to put any energy into anything else. Also, men and women react completely differently: I don't want to talk about any aspect of it more than once and I only want to deal with facts, no speculation. Marion wants to talk about it a lot and in, for me, minute detail. This is also difficult to reconcile.
My goal with this blog is to partially to sort out and organize my own thinking, but also to let my friends and family know how I am/we are doing. I have to find a balance between these things and erronously airing things that need to remain private. So if I cross a line here or there, please forgive me. This is not an easy situation and none of us are perfect, least of all me.
This morning I had an appointment at 7.30am with the physio to see if he could help with the headache that I've had for the last week. He discovered that the muscles at the base of my skull are rock hard and massaged them, partially releasing some of the pressure in my head.
I had an enormous problem getting out of bed for this appointment so when I got home I decided that I felt rough enough to justify taking the rest of the day off. I went back to bed expecting to sleep for a few hours and have been unconscious for the best part of the day. As I sit here now, I could fall asleep in a few minutes.
I plan to take it easy this week and allow this tiredness to take its course.
I've had a few comments regarding my remark last week about Marion being in a bad temper, including a demand from my sister to remove it from the blog. I don't intend to air all aspects of this situation in a blog, don't worry. But equally it is true that the situation puts a lot of pressure on relationships and that every now and again this has visible consequences.
The last time that Kay had leukemia our marriage suffered under the pressure and the results of that took years to mend. This time we're more aware of the effects and we're taking steps to avoid a recurrence of this problem. For instance, last time it was two years before Marion & I had a weekend away on our own. This time I intend to try and arrange time away for us as soon as the situation allows. As Vivane remarked one of her comments, it's essential for a couple in this situation to think about themselves and their relationship too. But to be honest, such thinking doesn't get much priority under the circumstances unless one explicitly gives it priority.
It's an illusion to think that a marriage can get through such difficulties without stress and strain on the underlying relationship, not least because Marion & I have seen each other so little in the last weeks, that we have our own perceptions of the events and that when not dealing with Kay, the business, etc, we're both too tired to put any energy into anything else. Also, men and women react completely differently: I don't want to talk about any aspect of it more than once and I only want to deal with facts, no speculation. Marion wants to talk about it a lot and in, for me, minute detail. This is also difficult to reconcile.
My goal with this blog is to partially to sort out and organize my own thinking, but also to let my friends and family know how I am/we are doing. I have to find a balance between these things and erronously airing things that need to remain private. So if I cross a line here or there, please forgive me. This is not an easy situation and none of us are perfect, least of all me.
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Now it's the turn of the parents
Possibly because Kay is doing better this week, possibly for other reasons, but Marion & I are now not doing so well. Last night Marion seemed to have had some kind of stress attack, bad headache, vomiting. Neither of us slept very much. Marion's still in bed.
I had a bad day on Tuesday. I started with a wierd headache in the morning, not the usual sort of headache but a feeling that my skull was going to explode due to pressure. At lunchtime I went to get some food and as I stood in the queue I started to feel extremely nauseous, then dizzy, then I broke out in a cold sweat. Things began to seem extremely far away. I went back up to Kay's room (we were in Nijmegen) and felt worse and worse, and I started to get pretty worried. It was clear to me that although I had physiological symptoms, the problem was not physiological. I didn't feel ill, but I did feel on the edge of I-don't-know-what. Clearly something was very wrong.
I ended up calling the nurse who then called in the duty psychologist/social worker. Sat down with this guy for about an hour and talked things through with him. This took away the feeling of impending doom, but I still felt absolutely terrible. I went back to Kay's room, took an ibuprofen and lay on the bed for the rest of the day. The headache was so bad that ibuprofen barely touched it. Fortunately I was reading the last installment of Steig Larsson's Millenium trilogy, which is absolutely gripping, and I found that as long as I kept reading things didn't get any worse.
Since then the headache has receeded, but it's not gone. I still have a feeling of pressure in my head and the slightest additional tension starts it growing again. I have a definite need for some peace and quiet, and probably a long holiday. But all of these things are difficult to find at the moment. I can live with the headache as it is right now, but it worries me that I don't feel as though I have any control over it, I don't know how to reduce it nor do I know how to prevent it from getting any worse.
I guess that I have finally discovered a limit to my ability to take stress. Frankly, I rather not have discovered it because what is beyond that limit is unknown and quite scary. Going to have to stay this side of it.
I had a bad day on Tuesday. I started with a wierd headache in the morning, not the usual sort of headache but a feeling that my skull was going to explode due to pressure. At lunchtime I went to get some food and as I stood in the queue I started to feel extremely nauseous, then dizzy, then I broke out in a cold sweat. Things began to seem extremely far away. I went back up to Kay's room (we were in Nijmegen) and felt worse and worse, and I started to get pretty worried. It was clear to me that although I had physiological symptoms, the problem was not physiological. I didn't feel ill, but I did feel on the edge of I-don't-know-what. Clearly something was very wrong.
I ended up calling the nurse who then called in the duty psychologist/social worker. Sat down with this guy for about an hour and talked things through with him. This took away the feeling of impending doom, but I still felt absolutely terrible. I went back to Kay's room, took an ibuprofen and lay on the bed for the rest of the day. The headache was so bad that ibuprofen barely touched it. Fortunately I was reading the last installment of Steig Larsson's Millenium trilogy, which is absolutely gripping, and I found that as long as I kept reading things didn't get any worse.
Since then the headache has receeded, but it's not gone. I still have a feeling of pressure in my head and the slightest additional tension starts it growing again. I have a definite need for some peace and quiet, and probably a long holiday. But all of these things are difficult to find at the moment. I can live with the headache as it is right now, but it worries me that I don't feel as though I have any control over it, I don't know how to reduce it nor do I know how to prevent it from getting any worse.
I guess that I have finally discovered a limit to my ability to take stress. Frankly, I rather not have discovered it because what is beyond that limit is unknown and quite scary. Going to have to stay this side of it.
Saturday, 14 November 2009
Life in the Twilight Zone
Brilliant! It's Saturday morning and we're at home. Today started early for Natasha - hockey match away - but slowly for the rest of us. Kay & I soaked ourselves in the bath to get rid of the hospital smell and now we're sitting on the sofa, Kay watching TV (not normally allowed during the day!) and me with my laptop. Marion's heading out to do some shopping. I have a bunch of things to do but my personal battery is flat. Soaking in the bath is a good way of measuring how much residual energy one has and I failed to register on the scale this morning. How Marion keeps on going I have no idea.
Marion & I spent our first night in the same bed for more than 2 weeks last night. It was almost like sleeping with a stranger and on that basis could have been quite fun if we hadn't both fallen into unconsciousness. Kay woke four times during the night, three times to go to the toilet and once because her food supply needed changing. It seemed that she always woke when I was deeply asleep because I felt like a complete automaton when I had to get out of bed. The broken night has not helped my tiredness.
Still, it's great to be home and even better that Kay is so lively. The difference between her state today and when she last came home is huge. And let's hope that it stays that way.
I'm using the backspace key quite a lot, writing this text. I keep wanting to make relativistic remarks like, "things feel nearly normal" or "Kay is much better", or futuristic remarks like, "Tomorrow I'm going mountain biking" or "hopefully the worst is behind us". I just spoke to my sister-in-law and she said, "I hear that Kay is better". These relativistic or futuristic concepts have no meaning in the world in which we now live. We live from hour to hour, knowing that at any moment our plans can change dramatically. And the only thing that we can be sure of is that, sooner or later, our plans will change dramatically again. It is highly likely that Kay will get infections and that we will have to hurry her to hospital. Each time this happens she will have to stay in hospital for four days after her fever has gone. If the problem is a fungal infection it can take days before the fever passes. And some fungal infections are very dangerous...
So to say relativistic things like "Kay is better" or "things are normal" is to make a grave error of perspective. We live with a child who has cancer in her bone marrow. Her immune system is practically non-existant. The bacteria and funguses that she normally carries with her can become dangerous to her at any moment. Next week her system will yet again be blasted with three different chemo agents and marrow will again be sucked out of her bones. There's nothing in normal life to which this can be related. And our future remains entirely unpredictable. Welcome to the Twilight Zone.
I guess that we have made the short term adjustment to living in the Twilight Zone. I have ceased to make solid plans for anything or, in my mind, to commit myself to anything. I don't ask questions about the future and I don't make predictions. This is totally and utterly against my nature, but completely necessary.
But I find it very difficult to swallow the medium to long term consequences. I already miss our house in France and I have absolutely no idea when we will get to see it again. The rules of this situation seem to be that we will have to remain within 60 minutes of a (known?) hospital for the next 2 years. A 12 hour drive down to the south of France would require us to first map out all the hospitals along the route and a dramatic improvement in our French, especially medical terminology. We've already cancelled our ski holiday for this reason, at least. But to be honest I can't bear the thought of being restricted to The Netherlands for all our holidays in the coming years. Nightmare. The only way to deal with it is not to think about it right now and wait and see what happens, ie completely accept the rules of the Twilight Zone...
Marion & I spent our first night in the same bed for more than 2 weeks last night. It was almost like sleeping with a stranger and on that basis could have been quite fun if we hadn't both fallen into unconsciousness. Kay woke four times during the night, three times to go to the toilet and once because her food supply needed changing. It seemed that she always woke when I was deeply asleep because I felt like a complete automaton when I had to get out of bed. The broken night has not helped my tiredness.
Still, it's great to be home and even better that Kay is so lively. The difference between her state today and when she last came home is huge. And let's hope that it stays that way.
I'm using the backspace key quite a lot, writing this text. I keep wanting to make relativistic remarks like, "things feel nearly normal" or "Kay is much better", or futuristic remarks like, "Tomorrow I'm going mountain biking" or "hopefully the worst is behind us". I just spoke to my sister-in-law and she said, "I hear that Kay is better". These relativistic or futuristic concepts have no meaning in the world in which we now live. We live from hour to hour, knowing that at any moment our plans can change dramatically. And the only thing that we can be sure of is that, sooner or later, our plans will change dramatically again. It is highly likely that Kay will get infections and that we will have to hurry her to hospital. Each time this happens she will have to stay in hospital for four days after her fever has gone. If the problem is a fungal infection it can take days before the fever passes. And some fungal infections are very dangerous...
So to say relativistic things like "Kay is better" or "things are normal" is to make a grave error of perspective. We live with a child who has cancer in her bone marrow. Her immune system is practically non-existant. The bacteria and funguses that she normally carries with her can become dangerous to her at any moment. Next week her system will yet again be blasted with three different chemo agents and marrow will again be sucked out of her bones. There's nothing in normal life to which this can be related. And our future remains entirely unpredictable. Welcome to the Twilight Zone.
I guess that we have made the short term adjustment to living in the Twilight Zone. I have ceased to make solid plans for anything or, in my mind, to commit myself to anything. I don't ask questions about the future and I don't make predictions. This is totally and utterly against my nature, but completely necessary.
But I find it very difficult to swallow the medium to long term consequences. I already miss our house in France and I have absolutely no idea when we will get to see it again. The rules of this situation seem to be that we will have to remain within 60 minutes of a (known?) hospital for the next 2 years. A 12 hour drive down to the south of France would require us to first map out all the hospitals along the route and a dramatic improvement in our French, especially medical terminology. We've already cancelled our ski holiday for this reason, at least. But to be honest I can't bear the thought of being restricted to The Netherlands for all our holidays in the coming years. Nightmare. The only way to deal with it is not to think about it right now and wait and see what happens, ie completely accept the rules of the Twilight Zone...
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Sub Prime Emotional Debt
I haven’t written anything in days about my own perceptions of Kay’s illness. The reason is that it’s really all too awful to attempt to describe. But at the same time I’m kind of getting so used to the awfulness that it’s beginning to seem like normality. Take Kay’s epileptic attack yesterday: when I saw the attack starting I surely felt the same rush of panic that had Marion bouncing off the walls, but it was gone in a second and left me able to think about what to do, so I stepped in to Kay’s side and started talking to her.
“Think” in this context is a relative term. My mind is operating at about 50% or less of its normal capacity. Don’t ask me to solve any complex problems at the moment or think about anything in any great level of detail. Most of my “thinking” is merely the execution of standard programs that have been running for a while. I’ll run into problems if (work) circumstances change and I have to be creative. A small example of this is that I have been writing my presentation for the Bits & Chips conference later this week and it’s an extremely difficult and slow process to string my thoughts together creatively to produce a story that runs consistently across 30 slides. That, and to ensure that the story is a sensible, presentable piece of work.
After the attack I’d expected to feel shock or some kind of recoil from a terrible incident. But I didn’t feel very much actually. Yes, it was frightening. Yes, it was a big shock. Yes, etc, etc. But I’d expected to feel tears or anger or relief or anything, really. I suppose I’m becoming inured to the whole experience.
As I mentioned before, my approach to dealing with the emotional content of this situation is to push the emotions to one side for later digestion, at a moment when I feel stronger and more able to cope with their intensity. In the beginning it was very hard to do this, all the difficult, meaningless questions kept thrusting themselves to the fore. But it’s been a while since I had to exercise maximum mental discipline to keep these things in their box. Now it seems that I have reached a state where I don’t have to work at all, all the nasty strong emotions now seem to automatically walk to the box and jump in and close the lid behind them. I almost feel resentful, there’s no sense of achievement, of having mastered the situation. And as a result I’m starting to wonder about my own, well, sanity. But “sanity” is not the right word, “desensitization” (gosh the spelling checker accepted that first time!) I suppose is a better word. But that’s not it either.
At the beginning of Kay’s sickness my first reaction, based on our experience last time, was that we/I needed professional mental help and support. But now another part of my mind feels pretty much like I’ve mastered the situation in a strange way and that I/we don’t really need mental support anymore. It was just a question of adjusting and the adjustment has been successfully made. High Five! All that stuff in the box will either stay there or will fade away with time, won’t it? It matters not.
But another part of my mind is waving its arms, trying to get my attention to tell me that that isn’t necessarily true, that desensitization is probably not a good thing on the long run and that I/we probably need mental support now more than ever. Well, maybe. But frankly I’m too busy worrying about Kay and trying to get everything else done as well to expend effort on the subject. And the “High Five” view is more constructive, convenient and useful in the current circumstances. It allows me to function better than otherwise. Still, as I write this I have a strange ‘vacuum’ feeling in my stomach, a sort of worry that I’m clocking up a massive invisible debt that will have to be paid back later, with interest. And as we have all learned in the last year, debt is a bad thing.
Hey, here’s an idea. Maybe I can package up all this debt and sell it to the bankers? They buy anything without asking questions so it should be easy to pass on to them a load of sub-prime emotional debt.
“Think” in this context is a relative term. My mind is operating at about 50% or less of its normal capacity. Don’t ask me to solve any complex problems at the moment or think about anything in any great level of detail. Most of my “thinking” is merely the execution of standard programs that have been running for a while. I’ll run into problems if (work) circumstances change and I have to be creative. A small example of this is that I have been writing my presentation for the Bits & Chips conference later this week and it’s an extremely difficult and slow process to string my thoughts together creatively to produce a story that runs consistently across 30 slides. That, and to ensure that the story is a sensible, presentable piece of work.
After the attack I’d expected to feel shock or some kind of recoil from a terrible incident. But I didn’t feel very much actually. Yes, it was frightening. Yes, it was a big shock. Yes, etc, etc. But I’d expected to feel tears or anger or relief or anything, really. I suppose I’m becoming inured to the whole experience.
As I mentioned before, my approach to dealing with the emotional content of this situation is to push the emotions to one side for later digestion, at a moment when I feel stronger and more able to cope with their intensity. In the beginning it was very hard to do this, all the difficult, meaningless questions kept thrusting themselves to the fore. But it’s been a while since I had to exercise maximum mental discipline to keep these things in their box. Now it seems that I have reached a state where I don’t have to work at all, all the nasty strong emotions now seem to automatically walk to the box and jump in and close the lid behind them. I almost feel resentful, there’s no sense of achievement, of having mastered the situation. And as a result I’m starting to wonder about my own, well, sanity. But “sanity” is not the right word, “desensitization” (gosh the spelling checker accepted that first time!) I suppose is a better word. But that’s not it either.
At the beginning of Kay’s sickness my first reaction, based on our experience last time, was that we/I needed professional mental help and support. But now another part of my mind feels pretty much like I’ve mastered the situation in a strange way and that I/we don’t really need mental support anymore. It was just a question of adjusting and the adjustment has been successfully made. High Five! All that stuff in the box will either stay there or will fade away with time, won’t it? It matters not.
But another part of my mind is waving its arms, trying to get my attention to tell me that that isn’t necessarily true, that desensitization is probably not a good thing on the long run and that I/we probably need mental support now more than ever. Well, maybe. But frankly I’m too busy worrying about Kay and trying to get everything else done as well to expend effort on the subject. And the “High Five” view is more constructive, convenient and useful in the current circumstances. It allows me to function better than otherwise. Still, as I write this I have a strange ‘vacuum’ feeling in my stomach, a sort of worry that I’m clocking up a massive invisible debt that will have to be paid back later, with interest. And as we have all learned in the last year, debt is a bad thing.
Hey, here’s an idea. Maybe I can package up all this debt and sell it to the bankers? They buy anything without asking questions so it should be easy to pass on to them a load of sub-prime emotional debt.
Monday, 2 November 2009
Funny Story
Ok, to lighten the mood and give an indication of the state of my head the following story from yesterday:
I picked up my Mum & Aunt from the airport yesterday. Typically my luck at the moment, the normal 50 min drive to Dusseldorf took +2 hours. It turns out that yesterday was the busiest Sunday ever on the Dutch roads and I got stuck for more than an hour trying to get through Roermond. So on the way back I was very late. Then Marion called to request that I spend the night in the hospital. Since we'd not seen each other in the previous 24 hours we thought it would be good if we could meet at the hospital before 7pm so that we could grab a bite to eat together - the resturant closes at 7pm.
I got home at 6pm and had to sort out my stuff for the night whilst making sure that Lauren was ready to return to school, that Nattie was OK and Mum & Aunty Jackie were pointed at the kitchen.
At some point I run upstairs to put my suff together. As I walk into our bedroom I think, "I need my toilet stuff from the bathroom and also I need a pee". So I walk into the bathroom, thinking about what I need, etc, etc. I flip the lip up, unzip my fly and then (fortunately) look down to make sure that my aim is correct only to discover that I'm about to pee in the laundry basket!
I can tell you now that not even when extremely drunk during my student days have I ever confused a laundry basket for a toilet. Just goes to show what sort of "woolly thinking" (actually I prefer the term "fuzzy logic") is going on in my mind.
I picked up my Mum & Aunt from the airport yesterday. Typically my luck at the moment, the normal 50 min drive to Dusseldorf took +2 hours. It turns out that yesterday was the busiest Sunday ever on the Dutch roads and I got stuck for more than an hour trying to get through Roermond. So on the way back I was very late. Then Marion called to request that I spend the night in the hospital. Since we'd not seen each other in the previous 24 hours we thought it would be good if we could meet at the hospital before 7pm so that we could grab a bite to eat together - the resturant closes at 7pm.
I got home at 6pm and had to sort out my stuff for the night whilst making sure that Lauren was ready to return to school, that Nattie was OK and Mum & Aunty Jackie were pointed at the kitchen.
At some point I run upstairs to put my suff together. As I walk into our bedroom I think, "I need my toilet stuff from the bathroom and also I need a pee". So I walk into the bathroom, thinking about what I need, etc, etc. I flip the lip up, unzip my fly and then (fortunately) look down to make sure that my aim is correct only to discover that I'm about to pee in the laundry basket!
I can tell you now that not even when extremely drunk during my student days have I ever confused a laundry basket for a toilet. Just goes to show what sort of "woolly thinking" (actually I prefer the term "fuzzy logic") is going on in my mind.
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