Four years and counting

I wonder where she is? The reason I ask is that I feel her presence less often and less strongly as time goes by. I wonder if she's subject to time? Does she feel the minutes tick by as I do? Is she waiting to be with me, as I am with her? Or is she moving on? Rotating with on wheel of life? Is our world less relevant to her? And if she is subject to time, what does she do with it, I wonder? Kay could never sit still. If she is subject to time, waiting and doing nothing would be hell for her. She can't be in hell, so if she's subject to time, then what does she do?

And if she's not subject to time, I wonder how she percieves me? Does she see across all time? Can she wind backwards and forwards in time following the entire course of my life? Or does time run differently for her?

I wish I knew the answers to these questions. I try so hard to picture where she is now, what she is doing. Does she watch over me all the time? Or does she do other things? Can she watch over all of us concurrently? Or can she miss something? The answers to these questions depend of course on whether she is subject to / percieves time.

I dreamt about her a few nights ago. Man, I could hear her laugh so clearly and it lifted my heart out of the greyness that enshrouds it. Such a disappointment when I woke and the recognition that it was a dream crept into my head. Heart thumped back into the colourless emotional wasteland of the bereaved.

Her absence is a emotional black hole in my life that sucks in joy and burns it in a cold flame. I balance on the event horizon. It would be so easy to let that black hole swallow me up. Give in, let grief, misery and loss dominate. Stop caring. Become self indulgent.

On the other side of the event horizon is a normal life, a richer life, where its still possible to laugh and have fun. To be carefree. To live beyond oneself. But it's massively hard to even contemplate, or remember, when the black hole has its claws in you, when you struggle on the event horizon.

But lately flashes of light have beaten the darkness back here and there. Lauren going to University. Nattie going to high school. Enjoying the excitement of their new worlds. My girls make me smile and that's priceless.

Still, their happiness makes me wonder about Kay. I wonder how school would be going? Would she be in the top hockey team? How tall would she be? How many additional grey hairs would she cause?  And I wonder where she would be now?