For the first time that I can remember I dreamt about Kay last night. It was an extremely vivid and realistic dream, one that at the time didn't even seem to be a dream. Kay was lying on the sofa in the lounge, snuggled under a blanket. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "a bit better", in a way that I'd forgotten about. She got up and walked to the loo in that "old lady" way that she had towards the end. But she was there and she looked like she was getting better. Then I realized in the dream that I was the only person who could see her. And I started wondering how that would work. Would the others be able to see her as she got better? Or would I be the only one?
I suddenly woke at this point, with a splitting headache and my heart bursting with hope. Then I realized that I was waking up and that maybe it was a dream. But, clinging on to the hope, I thought for an instant that perhaps it was me who was waking from a coma, that it was Kay who was waking me and that the headache was from the coma. I how I hoped that this was true. Alas for reality, it was 4am and my life still has a Kay sized hole in it. I didn't sleep much after that.
Today I feel like throwing up, only my heart has so swelled with pain that it's blocking my throat. I'm millimeters from tears. One year ago I drive her to the hospital for the last time. It was a quiet trip, neither of us speaking much. Kay wanted music on, so I put Rodrigo & Gabrielle on - we both liked that. We got to the hospital, passed the routine check. But then they measured her o2 saturation and it was 98%. So they decided to wait a while and measure it again, and it had dropped the again the second time. The end was neigh.
I just had not expected these days to be so hard, a year later. But they are turning out to be the hardest yet. I'm now dreading the 19th.
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Oh Rob, I am so sorry you have to face these memories.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and always know that we are holding you in our thoughts.
Huge hugs and much love to all
Linda xx
I'm here, listening
ReplyDeleteCiel
This must be the hardest time for you but you are getting through in your own way even though you are having the most awful time. Remember we're here. Lesley xx
ReplyDeleteAll I feel like saying is that you were there every minute to help her through this and you did your very best. She must have been reassured by your presence even if she was unconscious. She is at peace now. I understand your pain is immense. I remember my aunt's agony very clearly. 19th of September is another date with destiny but from then on it will get better and you will conquer your own share of peace, day by day. You deserve it. Lots of love. Isabelle
ReplyDeleteI know that pain of dreaming about your child and waking up to find the reality.
ReplyDeleteSome thoughts and suggestions as you near the one year mark. Go somewhere for the day or week if possible. A place that you did not go with Kay but somewhere that she would have liked. Write a letter to Kay that is only from you and for your eyes only. Say what is in your heart. Read it to Kay in the early morning hours. Tear the letter to bits afterwards and let the pieces drift away. Keep your heart open and look for signs on that day. They may be small signs, such as a beautiful butterfly fluttering about. Make it a peaceful day.
Your friend,
Debbie
Hi, you don't know me, but I found Kay's Leukemia blog online (I have a friend with a child who was just diagnosed and was researching to see what she could expect in the coming months). I read your account of Kay's transplant, and it inspired me to become a stem cell/bone marrow donor. I am now on the registry and am 21, so for the next 40 years I will be eligible to donate. Your daughter's story brought this about, and because of her courageous life and your loving account of her struggle, I am hopeful that I'll be able to provide someone else with a second chance. Thank you so much for writing about your family's battle.
ReplyDeleteDear Bee,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your post. I'm glad that Kay's story has inspired you thus.
Robert.
Time for me to check in to let you know I'm still here, still reading, and very much aware that it's September and a hard month for you. I love Debbie's suggestions and I'm so moved by Bee's gesture. Kay's story has touched so many lives. We're all thinking of you this month. Hugs, Diane
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ReplyDeleteThere is a Taoist story about Chaung Tzu, in which he relates having a beautiful dream about being a butterfly and then awakening to say "was I before a man who dreamed I was a butterfly, or am I now a butterfly dreaming that I am a man". How I bet you wish you were the butterfly. That must have been a bitter awakening. My heart it with you.
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