Dilemma

I recently received an email from someone who had been following this blog, telling me in no uncertain terms that I should shut up. This set me wondering, actually. The problem is that I think that I have covered a lot of the consequences of Kay's death - at least the ones that can be aired in public. In keeping with that person's thoughts I'd been wondering whether to some extent I was "scraping the barrel" of grief.

On the other hand, there are so many consequences of Kay's death that I simply cannot air in public. And it seems to me that these problems are getting worse as time goes by. By definition I cannot tell you what they are, but trust me, they are very serious. In some ways I am healing from Kay's death and in others we are not.

Perhaps this should not matter, I should have other ways of coping with these problems. But unfortunately it seems that I do not. This blog has always been a way for me to vent my feelings, for me to get my own head straight, for me to achieve some catharsis. It is also a way for me to keep distant friends and family up to date with what's going on. However, I'm blocked from achieving this by the nature of the problems that we face and therefore blocked from catharsis.

My middle ground solution has been to keep writing - for I value and need every token of support that I get - but I end up either repeating myself or writing about peripheral, perhaps seemingly superfluous, stuff.

People often comment to me that they have no idea how it must feel to lose a child. My standard reply is that I don't either, at least not entirely. The pain and grief is like a huge diamond, multi-faceted and of perfect construction. Perhaps fortunately, I only get to experience it one or two facets at a time - this diamond is simply too large for me to "appreciate" in one go. Some facets I have seen multiple times, some are new to me or I have forgotten so that they seem new. But whatever, I keep going round and round this diamond. My way of coping is to try to describe, understand and come to terms with each facet, but this is a task that will undoubtedly take me the rest of my life.

I also suppose that it would not be healthy NOT to attempt to "appreciate" each facet as then one would only be postponing the inevitable. "Appreciation", I suppose (not sure what word I'm looking for here...) is the key to putting grief in its place. And an important part of my "appreciation" technique is putting each facet to words here - at least as far as I am allowed by social convention and respect for the feelings of others.

I guess that that's really my answer to the "Shut Up" email: this is part of my way of dealing with the circumstances in which I find myself.

If you don't like it, no-one's forcing you to read it.