I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you, Kay. These days every beat of my heart carries an echo that reminds me that you're not here, not going to walk in the door, not going to hug me, not going run and jump into my arms. The list of things that I miss is so long that it seems endless, full of sights and sounds and smells and feelings that are no more. I keep thinking that I'm able to deal with losing you. But then there's always something around the corner that makes me realise that I don't think I will ever be able to deal with it, accept it, come to terms with it. My arms ache with the need to hug you.
I know that I loved you as much as I could and I know that you know how much I love you still. But it doesn't seem like enough. I keep thinking of all those moments when I just accepted my family, my children at face value. When I didn't treasure them, 'grok' them, bury my face in them and absorb every atom of joy that they brought to my life. It's so easy to live with the people we love most without truly appreciating them. If I had the chance to go back and re-live the ten years of your life, I would do it slowly. I would savour every moment, treasure every second, inhale every sight, sound, smell and touch. I would bathe myself in the richness of that life.
But now that richness has been forever diminished. And I will forever feel like a complete fool for not having realised just how lucky I was to have three such varied, beautiful and wonderful children. Now I have just two beautiful and wonderful children and try as I might, the richness of what I still have is tainted by what I have lost.
Kay, my darling. I miss you so so so much. I would move heaven and earth to hold you in my arms again, to hear you laughing, to catch you cheating at Monopoly. This life is worth so much less without you.
Your loving Daddy, forever.
Oh Rob.
ReplyDeleteNo words will make this time of year better. I just hope you know that you are always in the minds of so many of your friends, near and far.
At this time, more than ever, I'd like to give you all a long, wordless hug.
With so much love to all
Linda xx
Rob,
ReplyDeleteI read this post with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. I recognize that yearning that you feel.
I am sending love, comfort and peace to you and your family.
Your friend,
Debbie
Rob. Alison n Squiggy are still asleep. Just rocked Squiggs to back to bed. I can only say you continue to be stronger than I can imagine I would ever be in the same place. The distance you, Marion, Lauren and Nattie have come is phenomenal. We three miss you four.
ReplyDeleteI hope Alison will see you soon in the New Year. She thinks of you constantly. Sending our warmest hugs and best wishes. Please give Lauren n Nattie the biggest squeeze from Alison n Squiggy.
You make us appreciate what we have Rob.
ReplyDeleteThank you
Lesley xx
Rob, Father Simon has just called here, unexpectantly. He asked after you and we had a discussion about grief. He maintains that love and time are the two things that will lessen the pain. He asked us to tell you that he sends his love to you , Marion , Lauren and Natasha. Your beautiful words to your daughter are very moving and so heartfelt. Your love shines out like a beacon. Always in our hearts, dear son .,your loving Mum and Dad.XXXX
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Lesley. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteSending love to you, Marion, Lauren and Natasha
I'm going upstairs right now to look at my 3 gifts, safe and sound asleep
Ciel
Rob, yes, Lesley has said it right. I think about Kay so much whilst passing these early months with my baby. I can't let my mind dwell on what it must be like for you, in a nanosecond the pain is too much for me. My heart is never far from you Rob, I wish I could heal you.
ReplyDeleteLove to you and Marion, Natasha and Lauren xxxxx
I wish I could grant your wishes, instead all I can really hope for is some peaceful moments tomorrow for you when you can enjoy Nattie's excitment and pleasure of her Christmas Day surrounded by her big sister and two of the most wonderful parents I know. Enjoy your family time, Kay lives on in the hearts of you all. Wishing you lots of love Sharon xx
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI am reading in Scotland UK. My friends 8yr old has AML. They live a 4 hour round trip from the hospital and so have been taking turns to be with her and the other children at home. I have been supporting them when at hosp as I live very close to it. I was looking up stories online today, not sure why really, just felt I had to read how others coped. Kays was the first I caame across and over the course of today I have read every single entry.
Your little girl was so special, she sounds truley amazing. <3
So much of what I have read is similar to what my friend is going through - and many of the bit that make me really angry - the stomach cramps/pain that isn't treated well enough for just that bit too long, the fighting with staff to do things correctly. Only a few small things but enough to make you feel you need to be on the ball. You remind me ery much of my friends - with your researching and questioning of things, and at one point you say you wonder how those who don't do this cope/get on. And this is something we have wondered too.
Thinking of you