I'm desperate. For the life of me, I can't sleep. It's a disaster and I have no idea what's behind it this time. Slowly across a period of weeks I've been losing the ability to sleep properly. It started out 3-4 week ago when I found myself waking up around 5am. Then slowly it became earlier until it was 4am. This was not so much of a problem because I had to particular problem falling asleep and I was getting some core rest. But about 4-5 nights ago I started having nightmares or very bad quality sleep and that has now progressed until it seems like it's impossible to get to sleep.
Saturday night was hell. It took a long time but initially I dosed off only to find myself in a nightmare where I was having a knife fight with someone and was forced to cut their fingers off... It was a very short 'sleep' and I woke with a pounding heart which didn't calm down. I followed this up during the course of the night with a sleep inducing tablet (no effect), then later two paracetamol (which also acts as a relaxant, but to no effect) and finally ended up putting a light jazz mix on my iPhone and trying to sleep with a headset on. This worked to an extent, but not brilliantly. I've been a walking zombie all day. I've not had the energy to get on my mountain bike, which means I'm lacking exercise, which means that I'm probably only making things worse - a real downward spiral.
This evening I decided to be proactive so I took a sleep inducer and two paracetamol before I went to bed. When I found that I still couldn't sleep I put on an audio book in the hope that listening to a story would relax me. This sort of worked, but not completely. I found myself fading in and out of the story, neither sleeping nor completely following what was going on. In the end I gave up and now I'm downstairs, writing this and working on a glass of port as the last resort.
The problem is that I've been here before, earlier in the year, and it was hell. It took ages before I managed to get through it. At that time I was being plagued by serious, acute grief and therefore I could relate my sleeping problem to that directly. However this time I have absolutely no idea what's causing my insomnia. I would suggest that the grief is not as acute as 9 months ago, though we're not having the easiest period. I would also argue that work is maybe a little less worrying than it has been - we had a very good week last week and secured a big order. Prospects for the short-medium term look fair. So what the hell is going on?
This is extremely worrying, which itself makes sleeping more difficult. I just don't feel like I have the strength to battle through days or weeks of insomnia. Sitting here thinking about it has me on the verge of tears. I have important work to do, work that requires me to be able to concentrate and not sleeping destroys my ability to concentrate. I'm so desperate I'm even thinking of taking one of the full blown sleeping tablets that I have, but this will cause a whole raft of other problems, as I learnt at the start of the year.
Help!
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Rob, you are in the middle of a vicious circle. You are too stressed to sleep. Have you tried Yoga for relaxation? Worth a try.
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
Debbie
Wish I had an answer Rob. I don't sleep well at all but have long ceased to worry about it simply because I can operate quite well without it and generally find that every four or five days I have a deep long sleep to catch up. However that is no help to you if you are finding it affecting your performance. I am afraid that it is still a rocky bumpy road that you travel and whilst the last few months may have been slightly straighter and smoother than previously I have no doubt that you will keep facing these patches of twisting bumpy roads as you go along your journey. Christmas is approaching and that is bound to be another hurdle to face. Subconsciously your body will be preparing yourself for it and that might account for it. Hope you find some rest soon xx
ReplyDeleteHey dear friend, you just have to RELAX!!!!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried yoga? Just an idea.
X J
I used to think that if one cannot sleep, he is obviously not tired enough. I know now this is not true. My experience with bad nights of sleep is that the 'quality' sleep usually kicks in one hour before the alarm clock. I have no solution... Maybe forget the clock and let your body decide when to sleep?
ReplyDeleteRob, I wonder if what is keeping you awake is your subconscious disagreeing with the conscious summary of how you feel. Put it like this: I've been thinking about all of you a lot and wondering how you are coping as we gallop toward Christmas and the St Nick celebration that you have there in Holland.
ReplyDeleteOn a conscious level, maybe your grief is less acute, but who can say what the brain is really processing? Only a week ago you wrote about grief weighing you down. Maybe it’s not ‘acute’ any more, but ‘chronic’ conditions can’t be ignored.
I would expect you to be struggling and worrying about facing these next few weeks and what amazes me is that you haven’t even mentioned Christmas in your blog. Could it be worrying you? Perhaps you need to be kind to yourself.
Rob, grief is still allowed even after you have already faced those first anniversaries. It might overwhelm you for a while, but then it will get back into place where you can manage again. Perhaps if you stop being brave all the time, you might get some sleep.
Sending a huge hug, a prayer for inner peace and loads of love to all
Linda xx
Hi Rob. The knife fight dream is a repeat dream for me! My last one was me charging down the corridor (naked I might add!) at two shadow figures breaking into our house. Before I've had versions where I literally can feel the trade in puncture wounds whilst wrestling my assailant (spelling?) to the ground. Ugh... painful! What does it all mean? Well for sure it means the dreamer is fighting back at something outwith his control. I think we crave the chance to make our adversary physical so that we have at least a chance to win the fight. Unfortunately real life does not give us that chance and if per chance we do sleep, we wake to a reality we cannot stab and slash at. Sometimes we never get the chance to seek justice. For men of conscience this 'unfairness' is a travesty and seemingly impossible to live with. But as good men we carry on. We survive. We carry our wounds and continue forward as we must. Take care. Alison and Sa-li Ann are here with me now sending their love to you.
ReplyDeleteHi Rob,
ReplyDeleteApart from your blog, who do you talk to about this? Sounds like you still need someone to talk to. I can't offer advice, sorry, just my support and a virtual hug. Lesley x