I woke instantly. It was so real. I could still feel the imprint of her hand in mine. Her way of talking, of looking, her deep concern, the seriousness that she sometimes had even as a four year old, the care and concern that she had for others...
I burst into tears and woke Marion up. I'm now sitting downstairs writing this with tears streaming down my face. Hanging on to this painful dream is more than I can bear. But I can't bear letting it go either, as it's the most recent "real" memory I have of Kay. Accurate in every detail. As if this happened yesterday.
No, Kay, I'm not happy. I miss you and sometimes I just can't bear living this life without you. It doesn't matter how hard I try, the hole you have left behind cannot be ignored, it cannot be filled, it cannot be coped with. It's just there, every day, every minute of every day, a yawning chasm in my life where there used to be a person of such warmth, such joy. I person that I love so very very much.
No, Kay, I'm not happy at all.
Dear dear Rob, dont you see? This is a way off Kay telling you that you should be happy again like then when she was a 4 year old. She don't want you and Marion to be sad but count you"re blessings and enjoy live like it is,just do it and make her happy. Love Jolanda
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that you lived that moment then had to awaken knowing it was a dream. Perhaps though your mind is reordering itself as it so often does in our subconcious to make sense of the concious world? I hope that is the case ans somehow this dream was part of that process. We think of you all, always.
ReplyDeleteI have told a very sad Lauren that Kay gave more joy, happiness and laughter ( and mischief) than most of us do in a Lifetime. She would be very sad to know that she has made you unhappy. But you know Rob, she is still there, able to communicate with you. Don't let go of her, she wants you to remember the wonderful days you had together and NOT be sad. Love you,always.MumXX
ReplyDeleteRob, I also believe that the message in this dream is that Kay wants you to be happy. She asked you that question so that you would really think about. Open your heart to healing.
ReplyDeleteYour friend,
Debbie
Oh, I can feel what that must have been like for you. Puts tears in my own eyes. How wonderful, though, to have a visit from Kay, no matter how brief. I hope you can treasure it.
ReplyDeleteOh Rob, when Kay was 4, you were so unbelievably to have more time with her.
ReplyDeleteNow, like so many others, I firmly believe she is letting you know she wants you to be happy.
You have been so strong for so long. As Dominic says, try to let your brain get itself into order - and, as the rest of us think, try to let yourself believe Kay wants you to be happy.
You are still in my heart, my thoughts and my prayers.
Linda
There is the dig: to relieve the pain, you must relinquish the memory of your daughter. Impossible! The cold demands of mortality have removed her from you, but she is still your daughter and you are still her father. Nothing can undo that. That bond survives, undiminished even by death. Why?!
ReplyDeleteCertainly, a complex construction of moist dust and a fantastic electrochemical emergence could forget, but you cannot. Perhaps there is something at play beyond the dynamics of physics and chemistry. I believe there is—an eternal spirit. Is there not a glimmer of hope in that? A hope that you can be reunited with Kay beyond this uncaring mortality? And in that hope some measure of happiness? Indeed, the physical world offers no hope—belief in a spiritual existence does.
May I recommend a talk, “Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also” given by Elder Shayne M. Bowen, of the Seventy in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I think he was looking straight at you, Rob, when he gave it. He had something to say about finding happiness in the midst of great sorrow. http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng
Dear Rob, we have never met but I want you to know what an impact your blog has on my life and lives of people around the world who were allowed to fallow your journey.
ReplyDeleteI come from Poland but I live in the USA, I came across your blog doing research about becoming a bone marrow donor. I registered right away and I'm waiting for That call.
I think that you are an amazing father and incredible person with the biggest heart.
I've learned so much about life from your blog. I'm a mother of a 3 year old boy, still learning to balance work and time with the family, witch is very challenging here in the USA...
Thru your writting people can realize what is the most important in life, to slow down, appreciate your family and things that people take for granted.
I can easily say that you are my inspiration and a role model.
I can not put in words how sorry I am about what happened to your beautiful Kay, it's unfair and so painful! She was blessed in her short life to have a father like you!
Hope you and your family are doing well, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
Thank you so much for your blog!
Agnieszka