The Quest for Mental Equilibrium

I've just spent 2 hours pounding round one of my standard cycle routes, trying to burn out of my mind all negative thoughts about Kay's current situation. This is tough because it means letting my fears out and confronting them, telling myself that each fear is unfounded for this or that reason. But one's mind can work pretty hard at pulling one down and my counter arguments are weakening. I find my mind thinking truly dreadful thoughts that I can't bring myself to mention here and my defenses against such thoughts are tired.

But cycling is very theraputic, although about half way round I was fighting myself so hard that I was hammering along at 34kmph with my heart rate running at +95% hr max. I could feel that given my current state this was not doing me much good so I slowed down. Less mentally intense, but less likely to burn me out. I arrived back home having partially cleared my mind, but not to the usual extent. Still, better than nothing.

I sat down in the kitchen to drink and eat something when the phone rang. Marion, in a tense voice (oh-oh), telling me that Kay wants to talk to me. Kay, crying, says: "Daddy, I think that I'm dying. I feel like my body is giving up."

I'd just spent the last 120 minutes trying to convince myself that this indeed is not the case. And I'd not been entirely successful. Now how to do a better job with Kay? And Marion?

Well, there's no substitute for honesty. I told Kay that the future is not certain and that we don't know how this will end. But that at the moment there's no reason to think that it won't end happily, no reason to think that she won't recover. I explained that this fight is in our heads and that's where these thoughts come from and that we have to try to be strong and to fight them. This is what we can contribute to the battle to get Kay healthy again. I told her that a week of the pain that she's had plus being locked up in the same room for seven weeks is enough to make even the strongest person miserable and to make them doubt that they can get well again. I said that Mummy & Daddy feel it too, that we are also very low. But that we all have to do our best and be strong and think positive thoughts.

Kay came around. She is indeed a fantastic child and she pulled herself together. I promised that we would continue to support her and offer our strength and love all we can. She said that she felt better, that she hadn't got so much pain from her bladder today. But she said that she's very tired and I told her that that will also contribute to her feelings.

I then had to do a similar job with Marion, who is terribly upset with the idea that Kay has been carrying these thoughts around in her head. I told Marion that she must try to find some mental equilibruim since Kay needs us to be strong. Marion too did her best to pull herself together.

Now, I guess that I just need another couple of hours on my bike...