There has been a very sad death on the ward today, the child in the room next door no less. Leukemia patient and recipient of a bone marrow transplant. And I don't feel anything.
We heard the news this afternoon via the unofficial grapevine, but the basic fact was confirmed later by the staff. In a sense I've had no time to process this event, I've been 'busy' doing various things. I was doing some work on my laptop, we've been out this evening, Kay had to clean her teeth a couple of times, etc. But a little while ago I arrived back at the McD house and sat down in the library, on my own, door shut. It occurred to me that I'd not spent five minutes thinking about the aforementioned event.
So I started to push my thoughts in that direction... ...and met a kind of solid wall of resistance. There seems to be some kind of mechanism in my head that won't let me contemplate the implications of this tragedy. I just cannot imagine... whatever. I have no feelings or thoughts about it.
I'm amazed. I thought that the human mind had some kind of morbid magnet in it that polarized itself towards tragedy, examples being all the rubber-neckers in cars driving past an accident on the motorway or all the other kinds of disaster tourists that we have come to know and love. But in this case my mind is reversed polarized, my morbid magnet swinging definitively away from the contemplation of tragedy.
It's a strange feeling, there are lots of unformed misty thoughts flowing around in my head that would like to find their way through my fingers onto this page. But try as I might to grab one for examination & dissection and it slips out of reach, repelled by the very effort. What is this? A defence mechanism? A kind of subconscious fear of facing an evil? Or have I simply become inured to this kind of fear and suffering? Am I/are we going to end up suffering some kind of post-traumatic stress when we get out of here and try to reenter the real world and recalibrate our senses & values for daily life?
Oh, I'm so tired.
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I recognize what you describe. I had the same when my father died. I guess it is indeed a defence mechanism.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts go out to the family of this boy.
Ton.
Sleep, Rob, sleep or rest as much as you feel your body needs or wants to and as much as you can allow yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt is a kind of self defense. You certainly do not want to think of such thing happening to your child. I remember the same thing happened when my son was in Nijmegen. The only thing that gave me back my feeling of reality was the fact that my son himself talked to me about the event. So do not push yourself, leave your mind be. It is not harsh or cold or senseless. In some circumstances you are allowed to think only about yourself and your loved ones. At the moment life is hard enough on you.
As soon as life turns back into daily life you will adapt without a problem. It will go smoother than it went the other way around and your normal senses and values will return. Do not fear!
Kindly,
Viviane
Hi Rob
ReplyDeleteSince I've had kids I've found it very difficult to contemplate what can happen if things go wrong. Even just reading your blog is often quite hard. I guess you're just up to your emotional quota.
When you all 'get out' I'm sure there will be a bit of an emotional roller coaster just trying to re-adjust but compared to what you've been through that will be a 'walk in the park'.
PS Have you seen they've remade 'The Prisoner' - surely just a coincidence.
Love
Alistair, Sue and Emma