Hugging Should Be Forever

In the week immediately after Kay's death (those words still don't / can't fit together) hugging everyone was the rule of the day; man, woman or child; family, friend or acquaintance. Since her memorial service social norms have slowly started to creep back into place. Last week I could still get away with hugging everyone who came in the door. This week it's starting to seem, um, "unconventional" shall we say? I suppose that in the following weeks hugging visitors is going to meet with polite stiffness.

I never thought that there would be anything about these last weeks that I'd want to retain, but I have to say that (fiercely) hugging friends and family will be sorely missed. It has been / is such a lovely expression of the depth of feelings that people have for each other. It seems such a shame to have to retreat back into the shell of social norms that are seemingly there to prevent us embarassing ourselves by public displays of warmth and emotion.

I've never had much feeling for 'community', not being a particularly sociable person. But these last weeks have taught me so much about the value of being part of a circle of people who care about us cq for whom we care. And hugging seems such a concrete expression of that value, of the feelings within that community.

May we long continue to hug each other.

Everything I Own

Is there someone you know
You're loving them so
But taking them all for-granted
You may lose them one day
[Something] takes them away
And they don't hear the words you long to say

I would give anything I own,
I'll give up my life, my heart, my home,
I will give everything I own
Just to have you back again
Just to touch you once again

"Everything I Own", song by David Gates / Bread. 

Ah, my poor heart. Where's my girl?

Nice Airport

One of the problems with re-entering normal life is trying not to burst into tears in public. I'm currently at Nice Airport waiting for a flight home. Last time I was here was with Kay, Nattie, Lauren & Marion on the way to Ibiza. Can't get it out of my head, but nor can I risk a meltdown.

Tricky.

Staff Roll of Honour

I'm terrible at remembering names, it really is a big weakness of mine. So during the last months of Kay's treatment in Nijmegen I worked very hard to remember all the names of all the people who were so kind to us and caring of Kay. I don't want to forget anyone, not one single person. And yet my memory of the last months is already starting to lose definition, I suppose as part of the healing process that we're starting.

So I'm going to list the names of everyone I can remember. I want to create a permanent Roll of Honour, an digital plaque of remembrance for all the kindness and care that we received. A place where Marion & I can come back a read the list of names and remember the untold acts of kindness associated with them. And there's nothing like posting something on Google to make it last forever.

For the sake of privacy I'm going to use first names only. I'll also add the following caveats: I didn't know everyone's name so if I overlook you, please forgive me. It certainly doesn't mean that I've forgotten. Please also forgive any spelling mistakes, that's another of my weaknesses. Finally, there's no particular order to the names, only the order my befuddled brain spewed out.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Leonie, Nieke, Johan, Laura, Monique, Mieke, Rosalie, Suzzanne, Dave, Roger, Els, Sylvia, Parrijn, Jonja, Anita, Christien, Crystel, Maartje, Agmar, Trudy, Jolanda, Marianne, Cathrien

Ellen, Koen, Marushka, Jacqueline, Peter, Annelies, Jan, Paul, Natascha

Joyce, Coby, Yvette, Daniella, Gerda

Annelies, Ruud, Carin, Anniek, Joris, Johan, Chantal

Esther

--------------------------------------------------------------

Popstars

Yesterday evening Marion had a major breakdown. She'd promised Kay that she would watch "Popstars" for her and so, because the girls & I wanted to stare at other moving wallpaper, she set herself up in the kitchen. As I have a habit of doing when I don't hear Marion for a while, I went to check on her and found her outside in the dark weeping her heart out. I brought her in and sat her on the sofa with Nattie, Lauren & I and we watched Popstars with her (though I was nearly weeping at the quality of the contestants).


She sat through the whole thing being plagued by Kay flashbacks and crying her heart out in waves. She misses being able to touch Kay, her soft skin, etc, etc. I really didn't know what to do except wrap her up in the family and let her cry. But it's extremely difficult when someone is hurting so much and there seems to be nothing you can do to help them.


I need to keep moving or I'm going to end up back in bed again. Today's challenge is to empty the garage and office of a huge pile of accumulated crap. First problem to be faced is where to put Kay's mountain bike...

The Good in the World

We're touched everyday by all the good in the world: food brought & cooked by friends, a pleasant evening's eating & drinking with good company, flowers from far and wide, cards from people known long ago, comments on the blog. It all helps keep us afloat while we're trying to process our grief.

Things here are very very hard. I'm constantly hit by these panic attacks feelings and I still really can't get my head around the idea that Kay has gone. I know it, but my heart and my hopes have yet to accept the reality. I just want to wake up from this nightmare but it goes on and on.

We have pleasant interludes, yesterday evening drinking too much wine with friends for one. But the moment that everyone had gone and we were on our own again both Lauren and then Marion were in tears and I was hanging on by a thread so that I could comfort them.

I wonder how long it will be before a day passes by when I don't feel the electric pain of immediate grief?

The World According to Kay

Today I started to create a full backup of all my photos, specifically those of Kay. While so doing it occurred to me that I should also download all the photos that Kay had made with her own camera (last year's birthday present). So I did just that and you can but imagine how difficult my afternoon has been as a result.

However, there were some nice pics on Kay's camera so I have made a selection and uploaded them to flickr. You can find Kay's view of the world here.

Er, flickr just hickuped, so I have to check out whether I hit a limit. There should be 66 photos, but at the moment not all have uploaded. I'll have to check it out later, now we're drinking some serious quantities of wine with friends.

[The digital world is truly amazing]